Mental Illness Day 2.5

As I was driving to work today, I thought about all the different things that I was going to write.  As the day went on, I never had the chance, until now, to sit down and write.  With it being the end now, my opinions and experiences have invariably changed.

First, let me start by what I did first.  On the day that I had the single pill, the dose was 20mg.  Thinking that there might be a threshhold to overcome, I took two on my first official day (yesterday).  From that day on through the rest of the work week, I planned to take 1 (10mg) and work that way.  On non-working or weekend days, I thought to not take the medication at all.  As this would avoid tolerance building as well as withdrawal effects.  Sadly, I will experience withdrawal every weekend.  I'm still tweaking this to see if I can handle it or what it may do to my body over the course of a few days.  So for next week, we'll see if I won't take it Friday or Saturday.  It is my goal to be free of medication one day a week for almost a 'reset'.  Just let my body rest and my mind run wild.  By the way, as a note, I don't advocate this for ANYONE TO EVER DO.  Don't do it.  I have a bit more background than the average bear and I'm not entirely sure I can handle it myself- so don't be stupid and don't follow me (really?  Would you follow me off the edge of a cliff?- see!  Then, don't do it)

Good effects:

Concentration
Marked decrease depression
Decrease appetite (cuz I can't always control when my lunch hour is)
Marked decrease in mood swings
Decrease in nervous energy ticks
Ability to read fluently without pause
Decrease in mood swings (yay!)
Increase in self-confidence
Ability to hold a conversation
Increase in memory
Decrease in dyslexic manifestations
Increase in energy and ability to function until end of day (wasn't always possible before)

Bad
Forcing myself to eat dinner (it's an odd feeling)
Not being able to sleep.  I had about 3 hrs of broken sleep
Loss of nuances in conversation and text (loss of some 'charismatic' features)

Not bad for a first day.


Now the bad part was telling Mom.  We talked twice on the phone today.  When describing how I felt, symptoms, and my new treatment, she was very upset.  She complained (with her sister present) that she has ADHD, Diane (the semi-sane aunt) has ADHD- hell, everyone everywhere has ADHD!

I didn't think she'd take it that bad....

After a while, she calmed down some.  I explained that I wanted to complete a 'backup' program/cert/degree to have something to fall back on in case this affects my work in some way.  This is now who I am.  I understand there are many thoughts, confusions, labels, and all sorts of negative stuff to go around.

By the end of the call, she was almost in shock- I can't believe she's had it her whole life... She didn't act like any other student that had it.... She didn't get in trouble at school...  She was a GOOD student!!

PD's article actually shed some light on it for me.  I know how hard I tried.  It was such a huge deal to me.  Everyone told me to get over myself, and since I couldn't, I internalized it and it lead toward depression.  Everything in that article, as described by another, was true and I felt it.  Sad.

That leads to the end of my work day.  Being on the 10 today, well, I noticed some changes.  I caught my eyes blur and a minor zone out in the middle of an important conversation.  My stomach growled a few hours too early (didn't growl at all yesterday, and that was nice).  I have more nervous energy and decrease in concentration but still more than before.  I may have to stay on 20 after this trial month.  Doses can range to 40 and as severe as I was labeled (did I just say that?), I may need a higher dose, and that's ok.

Still goin' strong!