Mental Illness Day 1.5

I can't pinpoint exactly when it happened.  There just came a point where I thought- I just need to know.

I apologize to everyone that I've lied to, no other student was involved and I never gave the test to her either.

A few weeks ago, I looked at my growing pile of work, I had received a strange fee note on my door at home, I was avoiding phone calls on my cell and office simply because I didn't want someone to ask me to do anything, and finally, I realized that I wasted an entire day just playing around on the computer because ANYTHING and EVERYTHING were more fascinating than my work itself.

I need work to live.  It pays my bills (when I pay them).  Why can't I focus enough to even finish one thing?

I started looking up diagnostic testing for ADHD (since ADD alone no longer exists, so I've heard).  I found a few.  One I took labeled me as highly OCD, highly anxious, high probability of ADHD, and if you pay $200 we'll lower your levels to this graph.  Crap.  The next one had a series of nearly 50 questions.  It did the whole related/similar question thing, but mine were pretty consistent.  The scale stated a score under 30 was low probability.  Score of 70 was very high probability.  I scored an 80 and I took it more than once. Scored 80 on both.

This weighed heavily on my mind for over a week.  I had no plans to fix it though.  It is what it is- so what if it takes me longer to finish something.  When I actually do something, I do it right!

When I actually do something....

I've been avoiding everything simply because I can't concentrate enough to finish it the way I would like it to be (yeah, I'm the laziest OCD person ever).

The last straw was a Monday a few weeks ago.  The Sunday night before, I went to a play.  This got me home close to midnight and around 1 for sleep.  I woke up at 5, exhausted for the long 11 hour work day plus 2 hr class after.  I dropped my dogs off at my friend's house so she could watch them.  She has ADHD.  As I took off the leash and settled them, there was a bottle in the corner on the floor.  I picked it up, it was some old bottle of medicine I had seen before.  It had expired the month prior, only one pill in the bottle.  As I know ADHD medicine is an upper.  I reluctantly took it.

The first hour (drive time to work), I was PARANOID.  I was beating myself up because I was so stupid.  My life was over, my career was over, I was going to jail.  I would live in a box by the street corner and amount to nothing in life.

I arrived at work and had the most productive day ever (the medicine kicked in).  The difference was phenomenal.  It was like placing on glasses the very first time and you realized that not everyone saw the world as poorly as you thought they did. I had confidence in my self, I started, completed, and presented a project.  I was full of new ideas.  It was though someone turned off the static in my head- all the extra thoughts, I'm hungry, I'm bored, what's that speck?, what's on facebook?, that looks interesting, did I finish that email?, when was that meeting?, did I lock the door?, think the dogs woke her up when I left?, I wonder if it's sunny?, if it rains again, I left my windows down.  Did I buy that present yet?, need to pick up the mail, where do I find that information?, is there someone coming to talk to me?, what was that deadline?, I need to fill my water bottle- within 30 seconds of my life.  I never realized how constant the 'noise' was- until it wasn't there anymore.

For an additional couple weeks, I allowed life to return to what it had been before.  Sadly, knowing the difference, I could only spend all day dreaming how life would have been different if I had known from a much younger age.  Would I have failed out of nursing school?  Would I be a nurse?  I'd be so smart.  Bet I would've aced everything.  Would I have gotten a scholarship for grad school?  I bet I'd be making more money.  I bet I'd change the world.  What were all the possibilities?  Did they end?  I would be accomplished.  I would have more friends.  I wouldn't look so crazy talking to people.  I would be so done with all this work- this would've taken me like a week tops! - another 30 seconds of my life.

I talked to the psychologist at school.  I talked to some police officers.  I mentioned it to my friends.  I asked the questions I was told to.  I was described as spontaneous and impulsive (both really bad for this test).  My mother relayed the kindergarten story to me.  Overall, the census was that- yeah, you probably have it... It was then that I started getting differing opinions about what to do.  Some were afraid my personality would change too much, some were afraid of the class of drug (basically speed), some didn't want me labeled, some wanted me to consider that this is a medication you're on life-long- like Kidd Kraddick.

But...

Something needed to change.  It wasn't right.  I was incapable of working at maximum capacity.

I never felt like I needed to choose between my friends and work before.  After some thought (and a blessing), I love my friends, but they don't pay my bills.  If in preparing for the future properly, I require this- so be it.  I will do what is necessary to be more responsible, take initiative, and focus on work, even to the downfall of who I am (my personality).

My future is much too important to be affected by this.



I set an appointment with a doctor.

That appointment was yesterday and I've already described how that went (can we say- "CAN IT LADIES!")

So I failed every test miserably and was formally diagnosed.

Today is day 1 on my medication.

I forced myself to eat something on the drive to school.  It was a bowl of my morning stew- chicken, carrots, broccoli, onion, potatoes, garlic, and stewed tomatoes from Bo (the crockpot).  I took my vitamin then the meds.  Within a few minutes, I was nauseated.  It lasted about 20 minutes.  I finished my juice and forced myself to eat some pineapple (I was not hungry by any means this morning).

By the time I arrived at school, I started to feel the effects (about an hour- yeah, long commute).  It was though the noise drifted to off- like turning down-off the volume on a tv or radio.

I spent the majority of the morning dealing with patients and talking to an intern who's bubbly over her graduation plans.

I was able to work.  I was able to function.  I was able to get some stuff done!  I can't describe to you what feeling it gives me!  While I still have some effects, such as finger tapping, toe tapping, and 'energy ticks' when sitting, I am finally able to focus.

While it pains me to think how the quality of my life would have been if I had known this before; the trials I could have skipped, the classes I wouldn't have failed, etc.  My future is bright and I feel more in control.  I realize that I may have to be on this for a lifetime, but I think it's time to allow me to be who I really was supposed to become.