Well... you asked for it...
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little "wave", it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall.
Ron White: I Believe, that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
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Jeff Foxworthy: I believe you show me a three year old running around a flea market in his underpants drinking Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle, and I'll show you a future NASCAR fan.
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe the Crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stool.
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do.
Bill Engvall: I believe that the phrase "time in a bottle" refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.
Bill Engvall: I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
Ron White: I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse, and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one.
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can not baptize cats.
[to his wife, who watches "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"]
Jeff Foxworthy: I said, "this only works one way. Men would not be allowed to dump our girlfriends off for the weekend with five hookers and say 'just slut her up just a little bit.'"
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea is trying to have it quietly in a public bathroom.
Bill Engvall: In California, in the desert, they found bones of this prehistoric porpoise. And they are saying it's interesting, because this porpoise's upper jaw sticks out a lot further than its lower jaw. So I'm thinking he's got to look like...
[Gives a dorky look, with his upper teeth sticking out]
Bill Engvall: And they're trying to figure out if his upper jaw was used for sex or for eating. And I am thinking, "You know what? You can rule out sex." 'Cause if you look like this...
[Repeats Dorky look]
Bill Engvall: Sex ain't happening, alright? I mean, what if it's just a goofy-looking fish? You know, like a dorkfish.
[Audience laughs]
Bill Engvall: He'd be out there in that desert going, "Oooh, this ain't the ocean. WOOO, I better find me some water, huh!" Can you imagine if you were fishing... and you caught a dorkfish? 'Cause you know your friends will be like, "Hey man... wh... what kind of fish is that?" You would be like, "Ohh... Nothing." 'Cause you know that fish is sticking his head out going, "I'm a dorkfish! He caught me on a corndog! I swear to God... I was swimming underneath the ocean... and I said, 'What's a corndog doing underneath the ocean?' Well, you know me, I love them dang corndogs, WOOO!"
Ron White: My brother is a doctor and my sister is a lawyer, and I hate Thanksgiving.
[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]
Jeff Foxworthy: Finally I confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in this bathroom?" And my youngest one, who's really funny, says "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!"
[laughter]
Jeff Foxworthy: I said "I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are EXTREMELY poisonous."
[laughter]
Jeff Foxworthy: And without missing a beat, she said "They are not, or the dog would be dead!"
[laughter]
Jeff Foxworthy: I hate a smart kid, I swear.
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe that no matter what anybody says, everybody pees in the pool.
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe it is not possible to study for a rectal exam.
Ron White: I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
Ron White: I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
I believe that laughter is the best medicine!!
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