Gun to your head

Ever stare down the barrel of a gun?

I have.

And yet, after the ordeal of today, I feel I would have preferred this.

It was bad enough that the doctor congratulated me for “being able to function as well as you have!”  Followed by, “Look at all you accomplished!”  Referring to me simply graduating college.

She told me that she knew something was off following our conversation about my family’s history of health problems (none of which are related to this).

Was I really that bad?

Continue on, the pharmacy tech and I argued whether it was properly covered by insurance since I have a separate prescription card.  She took both cards and “put it in a language you will understand.  This card (puts on counter), good.  This card, bad.”

Please don’t insult my intelligence lady.  I actually have a degree, thank you.

You want to know why we have a problem with mental health people?  I will tell you why…

No one can tell you how you’re supposed to feel.  People describe people, including you, in different ways, both good and bad. 

Things in life can sometimes be difficult, you keep on going.

I knew I had a problem for a while and I know I didn’t do anything about it.  I had the same issue with my hearing loss.

Think of the choices in life:

Have less depression

Increased confidence

Ability to sleep at night

Ability to focus and concentrate on tasks

Be less forgetful

Ability to think before you speak

Think about consequence of actions

Be less impulsive and more responsible

Decrease in mood swings and severity of them

Sounds amazing, doesn’t it?  It’s like a little miracle pill- helping you do everything that everyone complains about!  Why wouldn’t you want this?

Lose your medical license

Drug testing

Scrutiny regarding medication

Labels from others

Judgments

Change in personality (loss of your little quirks)

Smart-mouth remarks from others

Isn’t it sad that I can lose my license for being hard of hearing?  Add to that the complexity of a mental health disorder.  Who would want to be seen by a practitioner like that?  People change and start acting strange around you.  Sometimes triggered by poor memories, people deflect and reject even when they knew you from before.

Now, don’t think this isn’t a reason for someone to seek out treatment.
Don’t you think that I would have preferred to be able to study without spending an hour on a page because I couldn’t focus enough to read it?  Don't you think I would've preferred not to fail out of college and fight so hard to get back in?  Don’t you think I would love to sit through a single meeting and be able to understand what’s going on without daydreaming or fixating on a single point?  Don’t you think I would like to actually complete my work and on time without the oscillating thoughts of everything else I need to do?

No one chooses to be this way, sometimes we just are.

I went to the doctor for physical things. I passed blood tests. I was told I have low cholesterol. I was told my hormone levels are within normal limits. There isn't a blood test for serotonin levels.

What would you choose?  Everything you are and struggle through or everything you should be while losing what you earned?