Day 5- Game Over.

Who wrote these anyway?

Maybe I should've picked a different blog-a-day thing to write about....

Day 5- write about a time you thought about ending your own life...

Back in the day (2008- cuz it was OH SO LONG AGO- not really), it was a joke on the ambulance that if we 'accidently' killed anyone that we would throw them into the Gary swamp.  They were always discovering bodies there but only dredged it once a year.  It was like a party- if ya ain't find them yet, just wait- they'll turn up.  And turn up, they did.

I've learned through the crime dramas on TV (because they're reliable, right?) that water, time, and decay can destroy a great deal of forensic evidence.  It either washes or wears away.

So yeah, if you're looking for someone I've killed- check the swamp.  I probably weighed them down pretty well- ok, really well, but hey, that's what we do in anger right?

Anyone want to feed the fishees?

You hope I'm kidding, don't you?

I could be, but you'll never know!   ; )




But seriously, this isn't anything that anyone really likes to talk about.  I've mentioned it before when I was just exhausted.  It's still something that I struggle with from time to time.  I know that other people think it, heck, there's an entire oldies movie dedicated to it- It's a Wonderful Life.  People will always wonder 'what if'.  It just affects some more than others.  My suicide list (I think) is up to 9 people.  9 people that I knew and conversed with that had committed suicide- not good numbers.

I guess I should probably write about the last major time I thought about it.  For the most part, they are fleeting thoughts 'drive you car into the wall' or 'think how much easier everything would be' which usually shook me from it.  I'd have to endure an eternity of "YOU LEFT ME WITHOUT GRANDCHILDREN AND WITH YOUR STUDENT LOAN!!".  If I thought earth life was bad, eternity is sooooooooooo much longer...

Anyway, back on track.  I remember, I was lying on the floor of my apartment in the living room.  I hadn't lived there very long- maybe a month?  I went through an exhaustive search for a new job after losing my job at Baylor.  I felt tricked, betrayed, scared, alone, and useless as every job turned me down flat for not having enough experience.  Evidently, "I just graduated 4 months ago" didn't really matter.  Additionally, I was downplayed for all the other training I did have.  How is being on an ambulance different than being a floor nurse?  Having done both, it isn't really.  Still need strong assessment skills, bedside manner, and the knowledge to know what to do in an emergency.  It is very true that I learned more on the ambulance working the streets than I ever did at an Ivy league nursing school.  Sad, but very true.

Laying there, all the thoughts swirling in my head.  I thought about my dogs, but if I just happened to knock over their giant bag of food- they'd be ok for a few days.  I had a dog fountain thing that would hold a week's worth of water.  I thought about letting the sugar gliders out.  My father always threatened that anyway if he had to watch them.  They'd just be like squirrels- with extra super powers! (sorry, got carried away there...).  I thought about my student loan- but if you sold my car and liquidated what little I had- it would cover about half- which is fair.  I thought about my parents, I couldn't have kids anyway.  I failed in my marriage and now I was here, alone.  I wasn't all that close to them anyway.  I thought about my friends, then realized that I hadn't made any yet and my old friends had already moved on.  When was the last time I talked to Nichole?  A year ago?  What about my Purdue friends- oh wait, they were Steven's friends.  I alienated most of them when we separated.  I had just enough money to pay the next month's rent without buying food.  If I paid it now, how long would it take?

That last statement was something that I dwelt on for days.  I really don't know why it was so fascinating.  Would it take a few hours?  A day?  Would my neighbors complain about the barking dogs?  Would it first be the smell they would complain about?  I kept thinking back to a murder/suicide I responded to.  They had big dogs, but the dogs didn't try to eat them amid all the blood (gunshot).  The one dog actually slept next to his fallen father.  The only reason they were checked on was because of concerned grown-up kids that hadn't heard from them.  I didn't have that- so how long would it take?

Yeah, it was pretty disturbing.

Not anything I like to think about.