It's kinda funny that that was the topic of today.... (yeah, I wrote many of the blog entries ahead of time...)
I was reflecting on my thoughts and emotions from yesterday- then I thought about how I felt this morning.
Not good.
Yesterday was just a whirlwind of mess. Last year, I made it pretty much unscathed through my actual anniversary (or not-anniversary as loving people like to remind me). It wasn't until a few days later that I received an anniversary present from the ex. It was a decent one too- all the money he owed from over a year prior. Attached to it was an angry letter of my uselessness.
As dates were never a big thing last year, I now use them from the start of my morning until the end of day. I knew pretty early what day it was and that didn't help my anxiety/stress level. The day prior (Wednesday) we had a big work meeting and my workload has easily more than tripled. Sadly, I don't know the first thing about many of the new tasks assigned to me- and yet I'm expected to be proficient and *magically* study and learn for myself how to do them.
It's like trying to learn physics from a book - we all know how that went. It was the only class I ever failed in high school.
I digress, I have a specific thing that's driving this, but I think I need a few more details before I pull it all together.
- I printed and reviewed the conference talk for Institute. The one was about conversion and testimony but the other was on chastity. I've read talks like it before and in class we got into a discussion about how teens are curious. Many church leaders avoid the nitty-gritty details but because curiosity salted the snail- we ended up with a lot of faithful young pregnant women (at least in Duncanville ward- not mine)
- That lead me to think of the guys I hang with- girls drive me nuts after awhile, but I've always felt pretty ok around guys. They usually go easy on me when it comes to 'manly' things because I am, after all, a girl. They're usually helpful if I take a little longer for the same reason. Most are just more laid back- which is nice.
The second and third fight were with the same person, he wanted to hang, I said I had Institute (that he's supposed to be at too!) and he wanted to hang after. "After" = 10pm and later (institute usually ends at 9-9:30- by the time you get anywhere it's after 10). I have to leave for work at 7am or earlier to be on time- hanging out after 10 (with a long drive home) was just not going to happen. He texted me later around 9 stating that he and some people were bowling- he invited me to that in a different city. He argued that I never want to hang or plan anything to do. I'm not near as popular as him- we'd always hang out in groups of 6 or more and that was super cool! I actually felt like I had friends. When I plan activities (like 1- :-/ ), it ends up being the two of us and not near as much fun. He states that he only needs about 4 hrs sleep and never really stops running around and 'taking in all life has to offer'. Wonderful! I'm jealous of his endurance. I can't hardly function if I have anything less than 7 hrs and even then, sometimes I can't. I don't know how he does it. I apologized that I don't usually hang during the week. This week was especially hectic with registration week for summer- I had been out of the house from 6:30a - 8p or later. I'm tired- it's been a long week, but in his eyes, I just needed to go out and chill. That would make the next day that much longer. By the time I got home from Institute and the store, it was 10:35pm. I made dinner, ate, zoned out to That 70's Show and probably went to bed around 11:45 to get up at 5:45. How was I supposed to 'hang out' with that schedule?? There simply isn't enough time.
Finally, the last one (who is self-proclaimed friend only- his doing, not mine) invited me to A-Kon this Saturday. I've never gone, thought it sounded really geeky actually. It wasn't until the late afternoon that I changed my mind and even started planning to quickly make a costume. That was the only positive thing of the entire day. There's more to this that turned it around, but I'm not going there yet.
This all kinda led to a discussion I had at the entry of the church, sure some of these things happened after, but it was this morning when everything fell together in a lump like the 'thwop' of goop hitting the plate from a can. Sis Berlquist (Institute teacher) and I stood in the front area talking. The group was playing ultimate frisbee in the back parking lot. We talked a little about Daniel's custody battle (he showed up only for the game, not class), he was only able to see his son every other weekend when he ex-wife would fly him out to Utah. Incredibly sad. We talked about all the 'manliness' I've had to endure- whether harassment, drunks in the ambulance, scrotum treatment, what-have-you; we talked about the sex education I give students as young as teenagers; we talked about the free condoms I give out; then we started talking about random things I've done in my life. We talked about today being my not-anniversary, and the pain I still felt from having my eternity literally ripped apart. It's odd but I understand how people can go from being married and loving each other 'forever' to not being able to stand each other at all. I guess Daniel and his ex-wife are fighting like crazy, mostly because she wants to erase him from their son's life. I told her that I wasn't mad at my ex, but I mostly felt sadness, pain, some frustration, and pity. His life twisted around again, and now he's atheist. God doesn't really like it when people have knowledge then turn on it. We discussed that in class some- people would feel the Spirit become converted then don't follow through and fall away again. It's not that they don't believe- they have faith. Just not the willingness. I like talking to Sis Berlquist, she makes me feel like I've accomplished so much when I don't really feel that I have.
That all went to hell when she asked me if I was looking for a date. A date? Her brother had asked her to find a date for his son. He's 23 and in school for something. He had a bad falling out last year with a girl he wanted to marry but she was 'two-timing' him and got engaged to another before he could ask. That's when I mentioned that I would go on a date, but that I was dating other people and he would have to know it wouldn't be anything serious....
I evidently still don't understand how to do this right....
She asked if the guy from there knew, I said yes- he should. She went into a spiel about him being the member of his family, he was going to marry some girl, but because he joined the church, she dumped him. He had stayed strong and active. He's a good boy- and you're doing him wrong. What?!
In high school, I would date people one-on-one, but that was WRONG. I was too young to get attached and blah blah blah. I was supposed to date multiple people, I was supposed to be in groups of people, I wasn't supposed to get attached to anyone. How dare you date the way you are!
Then I went to college and got married entirely too quickly. That was WRONG. Aside from both our parents breaking Rich and me up (thanks for that btw- that actually would've been pretty bad), I was married within a week. Dating was done! Woohoo! I would never have to worry about other men with this little rock on my hand. No, but I guess I did have to worry about other women....
I was determined not to let my divorce destroy me which was WRONG and got right back on the horse just to be torn down again by a misunderstanding between the boyfriend and a guy-friend/coworker (can we say I quit?). Nothing like losing everything.
So I moved. I absolutely buried myself in work. When I wasn't working, I was a recluse and I was ok with that. It was draining and I didn't have any friends or fun, but I could exist in that mind-numbing world. My friends were my patients. I let them get away with alot but it was cool because I was mostly happy with them and they were mostly happy with me. I had the occasional patients that would hit on me relentlessly, but I had a car- they didn't. Kinda nice being outside the world for over a year. But this was WRONG, because I wasn't actually living and my job was taking advantage of me.
I decided to change jobs. At first, it sounded very doable. Busy, but doable. I just had to get everything in order and then once the programs were up and running, things would calm down and be perfect. So funny! Right? No. I have feelings on my new workload that I don't get paid additional for- but I'll keep those to myself.
I had been out of the world for nearly 2 years. I don't know what to do in social situations really, I don't know how to date evidently.
I'm not good with this kind of thing. I consulted websites, forums, and articles about dating, not dating, is he the one? quizzes, and all that mess. That should have been a sign. I found one article in particular that stated that you SHOULD date several guys at once. You can't even become serious until after several months and you 'lose the urge' so to speak for dating other guys. Dating should be fun and a great way to get to know someone. Even my mother chimed in and said that if you see them more than twice, it's time to cut the cord and make them go away. How on earth would you know after 2 outings? If I'm single- that's bad, I need to be actively engaged in trying to become engaged. If I date a single person, that's good but if you even look at another man you better have rosary beads in hand. But you shouldn't get too close to them until after several months! Since I'm Mormon, no one believes that- heck if you see someone daily, they start asking about rings about 6 weeks to 2 months in. If I date multiple men, then I'm playing them all and I'm a slut, but you should date around to make sure he has all the qualities you need and to see what qualities to look for. Such confusion. It isn't even world vs religious views, it's simply dating vs dating.
Last night was a near sleepless night. Something's amiss
By the time I got up, something inside of me had 'snapped'. I felt this way before. It was almost relieving. It's that numbing, I-just-don't-care-anymore feeling. Best described by Allie:
As I was driving to work, I couldn't help but think : do I want to get married? No. What about all those kids you wanted? Nope. Why would I want to bring a kid into this messed up world? What about all that stuff that has to get done ASAP?? It'll get done. I have the almost uncanny ability to become a shell. I can appear focused, I fulfill obligations, and I can function- all while not feeling anything. Work is a sense of obligation- not an emotion. Work is necessary for food, food is necessary for life. Very basic of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I only need exist in the bottom two levels- all the higher ones are just fluff and not necessary to maintain life.
I started to feel almost more empowered the more I argued with myself. I thought about getting a dog named Udo, but that's a few years and maybe a few puppy deaths away. I don't need to date, like at all, ever. I can take care of myself. I don't need someone else's help. If I can't do it myself or pay someone to help me, then it's something I don't need or something I need to replace anyway.
This isn't a good way to feel or be- the nurse within me can feel the ICU monitors going haywire. But, then that ever-so-stupid chance that I could find someone again to have them leave or taken from me- will never occur. I won't be subject to judgment- go ahead, I don't care. I won't have to fit into the conflicting 'societal' rules. I won't have to care what other people think. I won't have to worry about screwing up someone else's future. I will never have to feel this way again.
So back up to the beginning:
What kind of guy attracts you?
None. I'm not interested anymore.
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