Take Two! Mental Illness day 1

I'm only calling this day 1 again because my medication dosage DOUBLED. I'm torn about what to think exactly.

For one, I know that parts of my personality changed on the medication.  Increasing the dose means those parts of me are even more suppressed or may just be 'part of the old me' which is a scary thought. I wanted the meds to help me, not necessarily change me.

For two, I know some of the odd effects of not being able to multi-task and such are going to get harder. I already obsess over certain details, I don't want this effect to get worse.

Third, I'm having a horrendous trouble sleeping already, I may just not sleep for the next month!

At the same time, I may be able to function even higher than I was.  I can focus, the distractions will be gone.  I'll lose some of my nervous ticks. I may lose more weight.

 But I know that my dependence on the medication is growing. It increases every weekend when I try to do without it for that day. Withdrawal is a scary thing.  With it, come so many more questions. My future careers, family, and now obamas healthcare are more important. What would I ever do if I lose coverage for this medication? My lower dose was well over $100 a month.  Would I be able to function again without it?

Also, I question how bad I was to begin with? I know that I was labeled (yuck, word leaves a bad taste in my mouth) as 'severe'. I did feel improvement with the medication. Had I not improved enough? Was I just as bad as before to merit the doubling? She asked if I was having heart palpitations. That may be a common side effect, but low pulse runs in my family, the medication made it normal-yay? I guess I have one normal thing on me.  Now, I fear next month that I merit another 'doubling'. She can go as high as 60, though I've never taken higher than my new dose of 20.

I don't like the feeling of being dependent on drugs. With it eroding my personality, who am I, really?






Actually, I guess I can't call this day one, I haven't filled the new prescription yet..... but my concerns are valid, I think.