Day 44 cont- Slipping through my hands…

Day 44 continued...

I thought about the daily prompt lightly before providing my answer.  At face value, it appears to lack specificity. 

As the day trudged on, my eyes were opened to another possibility that I was probably repressing.  I’m not entirely what all I should write or how to order it, so bear with me.

Relationships.

When is the time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just do what you know is right when it comes to your relationships?

I was actually taken aback by how quickly and forcefully it dawned on me.  It was definitely a light bulb moment- *bling* -on.

When is it time to stop making excuses and take that ‘leap of faith’?

I thought about everything that’s happened to me over the last few years.  I went to school for a man. I was raped by a drunk man which ended that relationship.  I was dumped by a selfish man on the day of my Grandfather’s funeral.  I was engaged to another man afterward.  When that relationship failed, I found someone I thought was absolutely perfect in every way.  More than I had ever imagined and more than ever before.  There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him- like, at all.  So I married him.  As he ultimately changed and crushed my heart time and time again before our final court date, I dated a man.  Our relationship was ruined by a jealous man.  As I stood alone in that courtroom, I lied to the judge that I simply didn’t want to work on my marriage anymore.  The hubby had more than given up, he already had 7 relationships between our separation and annulment.

The common denominator between all these aside from highlighting these 7 relationships was my naivety.  I used to love so passionately and completely.  I would easily give EVERYTHING to these men and in turn, they destroyed me piece by piece. 

High school, I was inseparable from the person I was dating.  I would skip activities, give up much-needed sleep, sneak around, and go waaaaay out of my way to spend every moment I could with them.  While that was high school, the epitome of naivety, I did the same in college.  I always thought that everyone deserved a chance.  You never know a person by a first date (nerves make you crazy), second date (show-offy), or a third (when I see you for the first time).  I drove to Chicago from Ohio for 1 hug.  That was it.  I was literally there for less than an hour before turning around and driving the 5 hours home.  In community college, I threw away my entire life plan for the chance to get to know the first man.  I had plans.  I was a medic, EKG- Tech, and CNA.  I was 6 classes away from a Medical Multi-skilling Certificate.  I was accepted to the Paramedicine AAS program to become a full paramedic.  From there, the 2-3 yr wait list for Nursing would be bypassed.  I would be highly in demand for emergency medicine (paramedics make INCREDIBLE ER nurses and the qualification is usually required).  I would also have the bedside manner developed in the less-active prior positions.  Life would be a piece of cake.

I was even skeptical when I received the phone call from Purdue.  I didn’t plan to go initially.  I thought the acceptance letter coming later would be enough to prove that I was wanted.  While in a bad situation at home, Dad was still paying for tuition.  I would have been out of his hair soon enough.  I went because I wanted that chance.  I was going to give everything up and follow a dream of what ‘could be’.  And I did.  Within about a year, the relationship I gave everything for was over.

Time and men passed, I was happily married.  As money became tighter going in to the fall semester, I was asked to use my cert to get a job.  I could work part-time.  Now the nursing school was hugely adamant about not working at all while in school.  There were loans, grants, scholarships- whatever it took to focus.  We needed money.  If I was sick from not eating- according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs- food was definitely in that base portion.  I worked.  I worked hard.  My trainer didn’t like nursing students and was clear about it.  For months, she made my life miserable.  She constantly berated me and jumped at every opportunity to do it in front of other medics.  The hours I kept were over full-time.  I saved up for special events and presents on holidays.  I paid for a weekend retreat where we had our honeymoon.  There were days in a row I couldn’t muster more than a few hours of sleep.  I had a week where I had calculated I had gotten 16 hrs of sleep in a 7-8 day period.  I had nothing left to give.  All I had was this light at the end of the tunnel.  When things began to unravel, there was only a year left.  One year.  This time next year, everything will be different.  Next year, we won’t be in government housing, I won’t be working horrible hours, we’ll have more time and money to do things together.  One year.

One year was simply too long.  The marriage fell apart.  I was left completely alone with ½ a semester left, by the end of it.  One semester- that was all.  After that one semester (2 months), everything would be different.  Why was it too long?

I struggled with daily activities.  I didn’t work anymore.  I more than caught up with my sleep.  If it wasn’t for my dog, I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of bed for a vast majority of those 2 months.  Graduation was surreal.  You can watch all your dreams shatter in person!  Part of the motivation for continuing on was the dreams.  Dreams of lucrative jobs, new housing I could actually afford, buying a new car, working children into my work schedule, supporting the hubby on his dreams now that I accomplished a biggin.  Here I finally accomplished my greatest personal goal with the intention of helping my family thrive- without my family.  Sure, I had my parents and Aunt there, but once you’ve had your own family, it’s so much different.

So I ran away with the hope to ‘start again’.  It didn’t work.  I was fixated that I was living out my family dreams alone.  The depression knocked me flat.  I was able to work, but I know it must have affected it.  I know as an ICU nurse that I was probably too close to many patients.  As a result, I resigned.  Patients needed caring nurses, not realizing I probably took that a bit too far.  Finally, I buried myself into a job that destroyed any chance of a social life.  I loved my job (mostly), I loved the majority of my patients, and they loved me too.  Sure, they took advantage of me a lot, but I had numerous proposals from older patients that said they wished they met me sooner.  My patients were my friends and social life- again, probably too close from a professional standpoint.  Hard not to do when I saw many of the patients daily over several months.

Toward the end of that job, I was finally getting bored and lonely.  In a few years, I would be exhausted, washed-up, and nothing to show for it.  I tried dating, but it was definitely weird.  I oddly still didn’t have much to give.  I know I probably lost what could have been meaningful relationships because I’m no longer tethered to my phone.

This leads me to now… and back to the original points (aren’t tangents fun?)  At what point am I willing to take a chance again?  At what point will I be willing to put my heart on the line for another try?  When will it not depend on medication changes, career status, income, living expenses, rent contracts, etc?  What will it take?  What would I be willing to do?  Therein lies probably the biggest question of all- what am I willing to do or sacrifice?  Am I willing to give a Brian-like or Philmont-like try again?  How can I get rid of the fear and finally take that leap of faith?  

Even in the past few months, I had lost potential relationships simply because I didn’t want/was afraid to invest myself in them.  How would I know it would work out?  What if I’m stuck in the same pattern because there’s something wrong with me?  I understand their frustration.  I’m undecided if I’d rather be alone or take that leap.  Everytime I get close, I back off.  I can feel the chance and that’s scary.  Add on top of that disregarding your whole lifestyle and jumping in with nothing but the clothes on you.  I hate living in fear, but it’s not like something I can simply ‘turn off’ like that lightbulb.  I want to try- but I’m petrified.  I mean, look at the overview- I gave up the chance for a lucrative career I would've finished years prior, been highly in demand, not paid for it because Dad could afford it, and possibly have a family.  Not to mention, my rape never would have happened.  Instead, I chose a $50,000 loan, job difficulties, a term in government housing, selling my plasma for food money, and a divorce.  That's a big difference and a completely different world.  Would I be willing to do all that and risk all that again?

Would I be willing to try again for a chance at something completely different?