As I was driving to school today, I thought about life and how I’m getting older (my birthday is in a few months). I thought about all the different things that I still want to accomplish. I have Reserve Corp again tonight. As I thought about my training, how I got to where I am currently, and where I want to go, I realized that I have more options now and I thought of some changes to my life plan. It’s forever changing, but still has been mostly consistent from childhood.
From a young age, I knew that I would be a perpetual student, ya know- someone who never graduates because there’s always something else to do, explore, find, learn. The problem was, yes, in elementary and high school I somehow excelled. I honestly think it was because the teachers saw how hard I was trying vs what I was accomplishing. That, or because I was capable of so much more. It saddens me to think about how better my grades could have been, how much more I could have excelled- but that’s in the past, now I’m planning for the future.
I know that Purdue still owns my soul in terms of my student loan (I guess that would actually be the bank and not the school). I want to pay back the loan in addition to advancing in my career. Again, the way I built my initial plan- always have a backup. If I ever have to stop for any reason (marriage, kids, finances) that I can. I did that from the beginning. I could have stopped as a CNA. It is a career to be proud of, something I did well, and something that I enjoyed. Same with being an EMT.
As I progress toward my ultimate goal (used to be a Neurosurgeon or Flight Nurse), I’m still in the medical field. With my Paramedic license and Nursing, I can be a liaison between hospitals and ambulances. With new programs emerging with ICU Ambulances, I could perform simple surgeries en route to the hospital. As a PA, I could work in a practice. Even with just a Medical Supervisor license, I would be in demand as a Floor Manager. It’s a credential most managers don’t actually have which would give me preference. Being offered at my school, my classes later on will be free. The common denominator is that once again, I can stop at any time and be content. Even with my free Corp/CERT training, I can be content to ultimately stay a RN. I will still have my emergency involvement and be trained- which makes me happy.
What does this have to do with mental illness? When I graduated high school, I struggled through college. I technically failed out of nursing school. It was hard. I was able to petition, get back in, and finish the program (Remember, the semester I failed I had a 3.7GPA/4.0), but I was working and studying as best I could. The program nationwide is actually set up for people to fail (sad, isn’t it?). I’m not saying others don’t struggle, but not being able to read in an orderly fashion was killing me. Yes, I can read. (I can’t remember if I talked about it before or not). The problem is when I read, I have to re-read several times, paragraph by paragraph, sentence by sentence. My mind would space out, the words would jumble, I’d read things backward, and/or my eyes actually twitch and jump.
After graduation, I abandoned the idea that I would ever make it through school again. The dreams would always resurface and I would have to push them away because I had proven that I didn’t have what it took to complete them. Where would I be then? Kicked out of school with more than $100,000 in student loans I still couldn’t repay. I wasn’t willing to do that to myself.
But now. Now, I have the ability and potential to complete these. I can focus and concentrate. I can actually read appropriately. While some of the ‘sponginess’ of my brain may have deteriorated over time, I want the chance and opportunity to prove to myself I really can do this. What a difference. How different life has become. It’s so much more…. hopeful. Isn’t it sad to think one’s lost all hope? I owe it to me to makeup for the lost time because I can be so much better. I can help so many more people. I want to and will be the difference in someone’s life. Now, let me prove it.
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