Now that it is the end of the day, I'm feeling much better than I was at about 3p.
Today has definitely thrown me for a loop...
So, I went to church, late as usual. I sat on the floor of my classroom and prepared my lesson. I was hoping to have kids today (I don't always). I really liked today's lesson. That was until I read a particular passage in the manual- I don't have it in front of me, but it went something like "Remind the kids that only the top level of the Celestial kingdom are those that get to be with their family forever".
As my one student was the granddaughter of someone looking into the faith- that is such a horrible statement. I know the initial response would be to convince your family to join, but what if they just don't? Aside from that, what if you live your whole life the way that you're supposed to, to get that great honor- but your family doesn't follow in your footsteps?
Then it dawned on me....
Emma.
Sure, she would be saved in the Celestial kingdom without a doubt.
But I would NEVER have the opportunity to be her mother- EVER.
Part of the lesson was the requirements for the Celestial kingdom- it included being sealed in the Temple, enduring to the end, and keeping the commandments. Now, I'm not the most religious person. I've had my shares of falls (moreso than most, I'm afraid). I know currently, I'm not worthy of much of anything. I've always held onto the hope that one day I would finally do what I needed to have that honor- maybe. Worst case scenario- it was a hope, a strong, unalterable hope.
Well, that faltered. I realized that even if I live my life perfectly, that I would never get the chance for the simple fact that her father hasn't.
Here was this hope- a hope that gave me the courage to live on and to keep trying. Now, in pieces on the floor in front of me. And there's nothing that I could do about it. There were so many nights, so many dreams, so many times where I just wanted to do anything to make everything stop hurting. There was this one hope- that when I crossed to the other side, my relative would be standing there, ready to hand her over to me.
That's never going to happen. Even in the eternities.
My life ambition shattered. What do I have to live for?
I was pretty crushed this afternoon. To add insult to injury, I was told that I'm being released from my calling from Primary (teaching children in Bible school) because it was deemed that I was useless. Literally. I have 4 children enrolled, but all are only somewhat active. So
I've had many a week with only 1-2 students. The president assured me that someone might move in and for next year, the class would be bigger. Too late, a mother approached me and said that her daughter needed to be with other girls and not just me and some other boy. She told me to my face that I was useless (her words) and that I could find something better to do with my time.
To make matters worse, my new calling is to put me back into the Nursery. Remember the last time I was in Nursery? It was the last time I remember Steven's generosity. I had just miscarried and was working in the nursery. I couldn't handle being around the children- at all. It was literally killing me inside. Everytime I would hold a child, console a child, make a child laugh- I was reminded 1- I can't have children and 2- for the one chance I had, I blew it in a miscarriage because (as it was actually explained to me) God doesn't think me fit to be a mother, otherwise the baby would have been healthy. I don't think I can do it. I almost had a panic attack at the sheer thought of it. Steven had to plead with the bishop to get me released from the calling.
The Bishopric member assigning me to this was trying to pressure me into it. He said that he was even pulling someone out of the young men's presidency to help. He and his wife had done it like 3 times- so I had no where to complain. Yes, this beautiful, sweet couple with their two beautiful young boys. I honestly don't think I can do it, I'm tearing up at the thought of it. He assured me that it would only be a year. My father thinks that they are trying to strong arm me into going to the single's ward- which is a hell unto itself.
I don't know what it is with me and kids. I absolutely love them, but my experiences with them are devastating- I had the NICU baby die in front of me, the children from my ambulance days responding to car accidents, I had the toddler alone in the hospital for weeks and finally when trying to give discharge instructions the parents told me to 'butt out' because they didn't have enough time for my nonsense. The nursery definitely won't help- Emma would've been 3 currently (nursery age). Having seen her in quite a few dreams- I don't think I'd be able to handle it without freaking out, crying, or dying a little bit everytime I dealt with a little girl.
The only thing that saved me today from complete devastation was going to a conference in the evening. I was upset at first, mostly because the entire thing was on missionary work and I wasn't allowed a mission because of my 'divorced' status. I was told that I should've worked harder on my marriage. Sorry. As I zoned out, I stopped listening to the words and sat there with a plea in my heart. I didn't get much out of the conference aside from there being a record number of missions, mission leaders, and opening up 58 new missions. All are very exciting, but it was the minute amount of comfort I felt that made the conference worthwhile. It didn't take much, and it definitely wasn't very strong. Oddly enough, it brought something from my past work development class on Friday.
He was an ok speaker. Many of my colleagues got sick of him pretty quick because he was a divorce and rape specialist. Having experienced both, when he kept going off on tangents- it peaked my interest more than the actual content. Anyway, he broke it down to bare bones- "everyone has worth. I don't care if you feel it or not. The government states that if you are killed that there is a trial and the person that killed you will be tried and typically gets a sentence of 25 to life- that's worth. That is the government saying that because you are a living, breathing, human being- your life has value..." Depressing thought for most, but just enough of what I needed to get through another day.
Of course, it was that in addition to the Holy Spirit speaking some comfort to my mind.
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