Day 30 - Did I do it?!

Day 30 - your highs and lows of this month

Did I do it?

Am I really done??

THE END!!!  YAY!!!!

Now I probably won't write for a few months!!!  j/k- maybe.  ; )


Ok..... so I didn't quite make it- but I'm only one day off so that's ok- right?

I'm assuming that I should do the highs and lows of May instead of June since it's only a few days in.  It was indeed a mess.

Toward the beginning of the month- I was stressed at some time constraints given me.  They laxed after a few days and some additional time given.

Sadly, just as I was starting to feel more comfortable and maybe I can do this, then my job became more intense.  I will be trained to be an academic adviser for fall.  This kinda bugs me because not only will I have to be available to the clinic, I must also be available to police for emergencies, available for instruction when needed, expected to even teach my own classes, be in charge of health activities on campus including fairs x2, but now I will be pulled from duty to assist with lecturing about classes needed for certain degrees, credits required, monies needed, and direct them to places they need to go while still maintaining the others concurrently- I'm not sure if I can handle all that...

Toward the middle of the month, I started finalizing plans for PD's visit.  I had things planned to go better than they did- but I can't control the weather.

Work waned some because there weren't students on campus for the most part- between graduation (which I worked!  :)   ) mid-May and the end of Maymester- there wasn't much to do.  I started going through paperwork but then I spread myself superthin because I would start something and then start something else because I thought it was more relevant or pressing at the moment.  Needless to say, I didn't finish any of my mini-projects.  Sad.

PD came to visit over Memorial Day.  I was a bit worried because he introduced me to a lot of people when I was there, but no one still really knows me here.  I'm sure that it showed at church and at the picnic- I don't think anyone other than the Bishop said anything to us.  PD commented that my ward wasn't very 'fellowshippy'.  His visit was ok, I was stressed the majority of the time because I wanted to make sure that we had enough activities planned and enough downtime that he wouldn't be completely worn out from driving here and back.  It was the first time we met that I wasn't like really sick.  After he left, I realized that I didn't take any of the time to make sure I had fun.  I was constantly on edge.  Now, all that remained was the mess from his visit.  It left me empty feeling to say the least. I like spending time with PD, I think he's quite a guy!  I just don't know what happened....

With this odd feeling, we proceeded into my ex-anniversary.  It didn't bother me so much last year, at least until I received his letter.  The entire day I was stressed.  I had extended hours at work continuing, I had deadlines breathing down my neck still, and I was reminiscing of the good and bad times of my marriage.  I ended up fighting with three different guys throughout the day.  It was more than overwhelming.  I printed off the articles needed for class and read them on the drive there (yeah.... while driving).  After spending the day pricing contraceptive models, the lesson was on chastity.  I had some strange feelings that were contradictory and really bothered me.  After class, the teacher talked to me for a bit while the rest of the class played ultimate Frisbee.  She asked me to go on a date with her nephew- I told her I was dating other people.  She told me I was wrong.  I honestly thought I was going to cry on the way home.

After a sleepless night, something within me finally gave way.  I was so sick of feeling that everything within me shut down.  I don't need a man, I don't need to have a family, I don't need to date people and cause all this confusion, I don't want/need to hurt other people- just let them all go.  And... I did.  I felt like I was being very hard-hearted, but it's been argued that I care too much.  I don't know how people make it through this world without getting eaten alive.

I found out very quickly that I now had a lot more time on my hands.  So I'm brainstorming of ways to improve myself.  Definitely need to dig out the instruments, start on that second language, and maybe look into grad school options.  I hate to do this alone, but I can't make any guarantees or commitments or anything.  I would hate to repeat the you don't have enough time for me thing again that ended my eternal marriage.  Was three more months really just too much to ask?

Anyway, that was the month of May and maybe a day or so into June- a 30 day commitment- and even then I struggled through it!  How on earth could I make a bigger one much less to an actual person?  But.... now the writing's done.  I'm debating starting a 365 day one.  We'll see.  I like the one that Patricia did that included daily pics (like a pic of the day).  I would need rules though- like a selfie once a week minimum (she included pics of like her room and her shoes and her books and things).  That might start here in a week or so.  For now, it's break time!