I guess this past race was my first 5k
Wha??? I thought that was the zombie run in November?!?!
Yes and no. For the zombie run, they had a vendor back out last minute so they cut the race short and took out many obstacles.
So this really was a 5k- and much longer than I anticipated.
I'll write more about the race later with pix. For now, I want to play in my daydreams.
A few days before the race, PD and I stopped talking altogether. Admittedly, it was my doing, but his idea. I've been putting him through hell recently. Pretty sure he's had enough and I can't blame him. Glad he went on a date instead- regardless of what I'm about to say...
PD and I stopped talking because I had a dream that he was going to propose. Given that our DTR was scheduled (is it weird to schedule that??) as to whether or not I'd be his girlfriend- I was INCREDIBLY nervous and apprehensive. As I feared the dream would come true, I didn't quite mean to end it, but that's what happened. I was still reaming from my ex-anniversary and cracking from some stress. Sorry I lashed out.
As a side note, this week I also got to model an engagement ring for an ad!! That's exciting stuff! Didn't help my feelings, like at all- but cool nonetheless.
Anyway, after running the race, I thought back to the dreams. My adrenaline pumping, feeling like I overcame obstacles I didn't think I could do (like at all), being completely out of my element being caked with mud that was drying and hurting... it was actually all the perfect elements for a perfect engagement.
I thought about it all the drive there. I wondered if he would be there anyway (I would have been- I mean I knew how important it was, for whatever reason, so even if I didn't run I would've been there to show support). I wondered if we would simply miss each other. I wondered if he would be at the finish line. I wondered if he would be like a random obstacle on the race- or even try to get me through an obstacle by calling support....
Anyway, I was well-prepared by the Spirit that I knew he wouldn't be there, aside from him saying so. It brought me back to the time he said, "I'll be there for you someday, I promise". Yeah, that's a promise that won't ever be fulfilled....
So I digress.
This is about dreams. Dreams don't have to be real, but sometimes it's fun to play in them anyway.
My first daydream, PD and I met up at the race. Gave each other hugs. We did all the race stuff together- waiting in line for registration, checking our stuff, lining up, and then running off. He looked incredibly nervous. Plus, he was sweating before we even started running. I knew he wasn't quite prepared for this, but really? We made it through the mud swamp (it was like never ending, plus I lost a shoe). We came to our first major obstacle- the rope n wall. Now, we each had the chance to go around every obstacle. I did it- with some help. I got an extra foot hold from the guy behind me in line. PD went around. I started to see that this was going to be a long race, especially if he was going to have to wait for me at every obstacle. So we went along the race. Most obstacles weren't too bad and PD did fabulous on the log beam mud cross. Toward the end, there's a long crawl through the mud under some 'barbed' wire (simply means you try not to touch it). For some, your face basically went under the mud, there wasn't an inch of me that wasn't covered. Halfway through our crawl and PD breathless, he called for me to stop.
"Come on! We're almost done- there's the finish line!"
(breathing super heavy) "Just hold on, hold on- I need to adjust something"
thinking he was talking about his 'manliness', I rolled my eyes. I watched him reach down. He pulled out a little muddy thing- I couldn't even tell what it was. He handed me the muddy thing (still couldn't tell it was a box). With my befuddlement, he opened it in my hands- inside was a diamond ring, the edges of the box were muddy, but the ring was perfect.
Still breathless, "You know I would only do this for you, marry me?"
Most of these dreams I had in line waiting for the next obstacle. I never answered any of them, shook it off when I got to that point.
The next one, I was at the final obstacle- an A shaped wall where you have to run, jump/crawl/whatever as high up on the wall as possible, grab someone's hand and have them pull you up. This was a simpler one. The guy pulling me up was mud covered and as I was fearing I couldn't do it, I wasn't even paying attention to who he was- I came by myself, remember? Anyway, as I was pulled up to the apex, I was greeted by a ring in my face. Looking up, the mud covered man was PD- and he was smiling. I knew that he had secretly been running the race as well (but he was in the wave before so he would greet me at the end).
The last one I had before/during/after the race was at the end. I had finished. I made it- alone. I didn't need anyone. My heart was halfway broken halfway beyond repair. I didn't care anymore. I proved it to myself and that's what mattered. What a long drive there and back just for that! As I was feeling sorry for myself, I walked up to the lady to receive my medal. I also received a commendation as the fastest female on the grid ropes. After being medaled, I walked off toward the exit. There were just mobs of people so I was bumping into people left and right. As I cleared them, there he stood beautiful flamed yellow roses in hand. At the moment I recognized him, he hit a knee and I hit my knees as well. I hugged him and covered him in mud too.
But I guess I should probably tell the one that started it all, though it's not near as much fun. I don't know exactly what we were doing. We were dressed for the race, but we were driving somewhere in my car. It didn't make total sense because we were meeting there. Anyway, as we were driving, I could tell that PD was incredibly nervous. I was trying to calm him some.
"Nervous about the race? You're shaking!"
"Yeah, I guess you could say that..."
"What has you the most nervous: the training, the obstacles, the length or the mud?"
"Actually, it isn't any of those."
"Oh?"
"Well, I'm not sure I can wait...."
"Wha..."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring box and opened it. "I'm more worried about what you're going to say...."
*Disclaimer* -you should never do that when someone is driving!!!
As much fun as it is to dream, as I passed that finish line, I watched all the people greeting those around them. There were grandparents there, children egging on the parents, parents cheering their teens. I watched and looked around. I was there alone. I got myself there alone- there was no one coming to congratulate me. No one to say 'good job' or 'proud of you' or 'that was amazing' or to glomp with a hug. I could do what I wanted and no one would care.
I picked up my stuff, went to shower (but that was useless), grabbed a bite, and headed home.
At the same time I realized that I did this to myself, I also realize that I wouldn't have done this to anyone else. Did that make sense? As upset as I would've been at whoever, never would I let them face something like this alone, especially if I knew they were going alone. This is something that I'm not sure I'll be able to overcome- especially two in a row. It's possible, but I'm sure that we're now headed in different directions anyway...
That's why dreams are cool.
Now don't get me wrong, PD is great. But, I love to do random things like this- he doesn't. So there would come a point where I would be doing this alone anyway.
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