My Hopes and Dreams

So this is my 100th post!!!!  EEEEEEEEE!!!!

I also guess it should be a reflective one so I can (*dramatically) 'look back at all the crazy things over the years'....

My life isn't that exciting, but many things have changed.

I figured in this post (and I had thought about this during the week before I realized it was my 100th) I would talk about my hopes and dreams....

Sitting in a college class, ya know, since I work at one, I started reflecting about my hopes and dreams.  PD and I had talked lightly on the subject.  Chris was a friend from college (like community college some 8 years ago now).  We're still friends.  I know there was a time that he wanted to date me, but I had chosen the original Jon.

Always regretted that for several reasons.

As much as I love Chris (I still do- he's an awesome fellow!), I didn't date him because he was a dreamer.  It's weird.  I was always such a vivid dreamer with such high hopes and aspirations- at times I still am- but I had given up on them coming to fruition and figured I'd wait on eternity instead.

See, I have guts, just not for long-termy things.  When I first met Jon and Chris, Chris was an acting student (a class I was dying to take, but never got the chance) and Jon was a computer programmer/engineer student.  Jon's family was rich and Chris struggled to maintain rent.  In discussions with my mother (another reason I try to keep her at arm's length about relationships), she had convinced me never to pursue Chris because he would always be struggling, never have a steady job, would have to move frequently, I would always have to support him, etc.  She was right, there were times that I would do things for him such as take him grocery shopping because he didn't have anything.  I admired him so much.  I never would've had the guts to 'put myself out there' so to speak.

Anyway, I brought him up for a reason.  Chris received a bachelor's degree in backstage management (theatre) and received a job at Norwegian cruise lines travelling the world, maintaining a steady job, and doing what he loves.  Recently, he also landed himself a girlfriend (a very special one at that) and she will be able to travel the world with him on the same ships (the line allows couples to work together).  It's a fairy-tale come true.

It reminded me of my own hopes and dreams I used to have.  They have changed so drastically over the years.  I had some specific years with lifetime goals- let's see if I can remember them...

5- My mother had maintained a book with my goals and dreams for every year from kindergarten through 6th grade.  This was the first one I remember (since the book is in Ohio) and I had written 'doter'- a doctor.  This was one of the first times I had wanted to be a neurosurgeon- what fun!  This dream actually came and went several times throughout my life.  It ended just before I got married though- it wasn't realistic.  Simple enough- I didn't have the finances to do it nor the want to take such an expensive risk- if I struggled and could hardly make it through nursing school, how on earth could I become a doctor?

7- a model and actress (this was another one that had come and gone multiple times through my childhood).  My parents agreed that this would be a good choice for me, even then.  They didn't want to put me onto a track of always being in-between jobs, having no money or food, and always struggling- so nothing became of this.

8- a ballet teacher - my mother had me quit dance at age 14 after 11 years of dance because 'it isn't cute anymore- unless you're going to make a profession out of this- which you're not, then I'm not paying for it anymore'.  My mother commented all the way up til I was about 18-19 that I will still tap dance on tile floors (which I do to this day).  I miss dance so bad (might be why I don't like dances).

10- a professional pianist - after my half year of lessons before Stacey's teacher retired.  I gained an interest in playing, but didn't learn anything.  The teacher would hold the music most of the time and tell me what keys to push.  I played a little professionally (only means I got paid to perform) mostly for my grandfather and his friends at the Club.  I did a handful of things for others- which was cool, but I had to teach myself to play as my parents didn't want to find another teacher... or pay.

11 - professional musician.  I had just picked up the violin and was squeakin loving it!  My parents paid for a handful of lessons in high school, but determined that if I liked it enough (as a hobby only) that I would be able to progress myself enough.

12 - an ER trauma surgeon - my parents were mostly for this.  The only negatives I got were about cost "how are you going to pay for that?" or "realize that it takes years and years and years of schooling- I don't think you can handle that..."

14 - a model (I had just started modelling).  I landed a mini-contract (I wasn't paid anything, but I got to keep the pictures to build my portfolio- those things are expensive!)  I won the city pageant, placed high in the state (but didn't make court) and was moving on to classes.  That's where it was nipped in the bud.  The classes cost thousands, plus we were scammed at a cattle call event that cost close to $800.  I think my parents tried, but just didn't want to spend the money.  Ever see toddlers and tiaras?  Those people can spend up to $30,000 a year in pageants.

15 - a lawyer - so much schooling, cost, and negative connotation, why Krista would you ever want to do that?  Thanks.  Just wanting to make a difference is all....

16 - a marine biologist and ecologist- I was going to save the world.  "You know they don't get paid anything, right?  You need a real job that you can make enough to live on..."  I was able to study abroad for this, thanks to my grandfather- but if my parents didn't help with college, I wouldn't know what to do.  So, I stuck with the basics, and what they wanted from me.

17 - a doctor/lawyer - so I could defend myself in court.  I was also serving in a professional government capacity at this time and also thought of becoming a politician, but was talked out of that because of the negative connotations behind it.  I also had the beginnings of all other sorts of dreams- I was going to be married by 22-23, start a family, have healthy babies, continue to work- because that's what I love to do, put myself through school, join the military so I wouldn't have to pay for it.  I received a scholarship to a Virginia University for liberal arts (like $20,000) so I even considered getting a degree in communications, theatre, or biology (cuz they oddly had that there).  I was told that my bachelor's degree could be in anything as long as I maintained a 4.0 for med school.  A background in biology/chemistry would help, but I figured I'd do something fun.  I was also very seriously thinking about a degree in Psychology, but I was talked out of that.  My crazy aunt had a master's in psychology and was incredibly smart; my parents told me they would never support me in such an endeavor.

I was going to accomplish whatever my little mind wanted.  Nothing was going to stand in my way- I had life to live!  Which brings me to...

18 - To Live.  This is my sad one.  It didn't start out that way, but as I watched my entire world collapse around me (turned down the scholarships, may not graduate, the destruction of my grades, not being allowed to participate in senior activities, my sister in harm's way, my grandfather dying, my father's meltdown, my mother's silent struggles, etc.)  This was a major turning point in my life.  I had to change priorities.

19 - I was dazed, lost, and confused.  I was still mulling over my illness and freaking out at any little change.  I had planned to die and I didn't.  My life had already ended, but I was still here.  I ended up at community college trying to think about what I was supposed to be doing.

19 -20 - my parents had talked me into going for nursing rather than aiming for medical school (because Mom wanted me to get married, have children, and I wouldn't have time to do that if I were studying to be a 'doter').  I formed nursing into a makeshift dream.  The original was to start from the beginning of the latter and work my way up to surgeon.  I actually accomplished some of these (CNA, EKG, EMT, RN-) and then it stopped.

23 - I was married, basically homeless (we were for a time), struggling to stay in school.  I had started working full-time while trying to attend school full-time.  My grades were suffering, I was exhausted and I had little support at home.  My goal was simple- get to graduation.  Graduation was this tiny light at the end of the long tunnel.  I was under such stress, but when I graduated life would be better.  I'd be able to afford things (like an apartment and food- oh food- what a luxury!  I donated plasma to pay for our food).  My goals were nothing academic- maintain job, stay fed- support my family.  There was little else on my radar.

24 - chugging along to graduation- come on graduation!!!  This was the little voice under FOOD, GAS, UTILITIES, WORK- SUPPORT YOUR FAMILY!  I wanted nothing else really but to be able to not have my family be without.

25 - "you don't have enough time for me" = I have nothing else but graduation.  It was a minor change in focus.  I'm surprised I made it, honestly.  That final semester was nothing short of the gaping jaws of hell itself.  My marriage only had to last until graduation because EVERYTHING (quite literally) was going to change, but in March, just two months before, everything ended.  I practically coasted til graduation and jumped at my first opportunity to bail to Dallas.

25 - 26 - Exist.  I was a nurse.  I was learning things again.  I knew the majority of the book work fortunately, but many of the actual hands-on training things I hadn't.  I had reached my goal of nursing, though I haven't continued, it was a place I could comfortably stay.

26 - after leaving the hospital, I didn't realize life could be so hard again.  People were hiring everywhere for nurses, right?  WRONG.  You had to be a nurse with ~*experience*~  (YEARSSSSS worth) if you didn't have it- people didn't look twice at you.  I landed a job that worked me to the bone.  I had time for little, if anything, else.  People would never believe me when I told them the hours I kept.  "It's illegal" "Please, nobody works like that" "I wouldn't have put up with that- I woulda quit right then and there" "there's no way you could've done that" "you always get SOME time off" -that's to all my haters.  I worked 7 days a week with 6 days off in 2012 (nonconsecutive too- minus 2-3 days for Stacey's not wedding).  For 18 months, my boss would decide if they were going to pay me (that's right, they didn't always pay me), I was on call all hours of the day and night, and I had to do visits at a moment's notice.  If my patients were spread out or I was behind- TOO BAD.  It was my job to make it work.  It was also my job to deal with disgruntled patients that some other nurse had messed up.  It was brutal.  I had no friends, I had no life, I couldn't go to church, I merely existed.

26+ - I keep forgetting I'm still 26.  I was totally going to put this under 27.  In January, I was contacted about a few jobs (for the first time in a year of hunting), and they just kept coming.  I was sooooo thankful to my Father for the blessings he was giving me.  I finally had a choice of jobs.  He knew what I liked too- but I didn't choose another home health job.  As I prayed, I chose the one I didn't think I would take.  I felt very under-qualified and scared.  I took the job on pure faith- and it has been fantastic ever since.  Mind you, it's only been two weeks- but regular hours, pay, and an ever growing job capacity for learning is amazing.  My goals had been (for years) to simply survive.  As I see the world opening before me, they continue to be- to survive.  Didn't see that coming, did you?  I am reclaiming some simpler ones again- getting married, having a healthy family, providing for them- but with a looming student loan, poor economy, and so on, I will always have dreams to be a pilot, stewardess, jump off a cliff in a wingsuit, become famous (like a politician), become a family practice doctor, maybe a surgeon- but they aren't realistic and unlike Chris, I'm not willing to be homeless or food-less.  This is why I have such a great admiration for him.  More power to you, my friend- your dreams are coming true...