Feelings of the weekend

No idea how to start this.  I had such a wide array of emotions the entire trip.  I was sick, tired, and of course – a normal emotion mess.  I don’t really need a special reason to be crazy, right?

I was sickish when I arrived.  I received a much better hug and a sweet kiss.  I was in a medicated, excited haze on the way to the amusement park.  All that excitement ended when M had blown my surprise and PD agreed that he didn’t like my expensive surprise.  He received the tickets for free- I’m the one that paid $127 for them.  That wasn’t the worst part.  Aside from arriving late and leaving early, getting someone that doesn’t like rides to ride a coaster was like pulling teeth.  There’s nothing like- hate your gift, hate what we’re doing, but I’m gonna shut up and do it just for you.  Nothing feels like a douchebag move than not acknowledging that he was doing it only for me and put his fear aside.  I think I finally gave up around the time we went for a 20 minute train ride.  This was his weekend and I had already agreed to do what he had planned, I felt that I owed it to him especially after my embarrassing surprise weekend.

Sunday went fairly well.  Even dinner was fun.  I don’t know where the topic of my blog came from, but it did.  Once it surfaced, M just wouldn’t let it go.  Toward the end, almost every other sentence out of her mouth was “and what was that web address again?”  If I wanted to tell you, I would’ve- but I didn’t  SO I DIDN’T.  She sent her husband after it who was so kind to send a gloating email that he found it and I can never hide.  Having a stalker and being told I can’t hide isn’t the most comforting thought, thanks.  Now, my blog must be private- yay?

Monday, I mostly expected PD to have most of our time planned together.  I was wrong.  Needless to say, we had some downtime.  Downtime for me usually = sleep.  So I presented as tired and sleepy most of the trip.  I know that I had messed up my normal time schedule, but I shouldn’t have been that tired.  We met his brother, I didn’t have the best first impression of him.  He was a sharp dresser, not as good a hugger as I expected, and had the mannerisms of a womanizer.  My issues were with him, but mostly because I didn’t know him.  That is, up until shopping and dinner. 

Shopping, I went to a tiny and expensive little country store to buy everything for dinner (myself, thank you)- although his brother did cover the cost of the booze.  Dinner, I felt incredibly ostracized, alone, and bored once I got the lasagna in.  I only asked that PD keep his mother’s dog off my Pomeranian.  He agreed.  I listened to the two of them yell at that boy dog time and time again.  They threatened to spank him, lock him in another room (which I wish they did), etc.  Finally, PD watched TV and ignored the dogs completely.  Fabulous.  He didn’t tell me I was making a salad, which means he also didn’t point out the pieces for it.  His mother wasn’t much better when she pulled out the stuff then told me to enjoy myself making it.  I guess it kept me busy, I mean, I was the help after all, right?  I know I’m being a little dramatic, but 1- I’m mad at him currently for calling me a Nazi (how on earth is that a term of endearment to anyone??, and 2- I was really hurt for having to do absolutely everything especially since I was supposed to leave later that night.  I made and served the entire meal.  His brother complained there were vegetables involved, PD complained that the pasta was ‘al dente’ which he later backpedaled and said he liked.  I was once again exhausted.  I was supposed to leave but didn’t want to risk my life driving and then skipped the seminar I paid for because I would’ve slept through it at that point anyway.  He didn’t keep me company.  I didn’t even get to sit at the table.  I sat with PD (so I guess I wasn’t alone) at the bar facing away from the table.  I later learned this was pretty much the farewell for his brother’s deploy.  It was nice, but I felt very alone.  I know he came into the kitchen once in the beginning when I was feeling overwhelmed.  He didn’t come back (guess that’s still technically my fault), but just a random kiss or hug would’ve been just enough.  Maybe talking from the kitchen so I could be part of it?

(Now, I’m probably going to drop the dates because they were events and I don’t want to try to order them).

Absolutely loved the mill, I wish he researched that dogs couldn’t be there, but we worked through that.  I was actually upset that he asked me to stay.  I wasn’t prepared for it.  He mentioned the laundromat several times but never actually went.  I hadn’t budgeted for buying extra things.  Much less, he didn’t tell me that he was going to ask off- so I first felt obligated to stay.

Bowling was great fun.  I had a running dialogue comparing that time to the date with JFK.  While the date was WAY more fun, but I felt guilty for talking about it and for constantly thinking about it.

Introducing me at the Jaycee’s meeting.  He already introduced me individually to everyone, why must I be a part of your meeting minutes now?

Being sick.  I was really, truly sick.  He left me mostly alone, not exactly what I wanted.  I know it may borderline mindreading, but can’t you really tell if someone is feeling terrible?  All I got was “wow, you’re really warm”.

Cleaning his shower.  I don’t even want to describe how bad it was- but there was black mold involved.  He told multiple people that because he showers and gets clean in there that therefore, the shower would be clean.  So not true, but how on earth could you let it get that bad???

Downtime.  We had mucho down time especially in the mornings.  I didn’t want to get up.  Once he bugged me enough that I got up and we got together, he had nothing planned.  I’m NOT a movie person, NO, I don’t want to sit and watch endless TV shows and movies with you (though it was nice when I was sick- but I was sick!)

Cooking.  I love to cook and don’t always get the chance to.  It is indeed nice to cook for someone else, but he wouldn’t even offer to help with the dishes.  Some of my best past times with guys are doing dishes together.  He told me he hates to do it- well I DO TOO.  I cook so someone else can clean.  I think I did the dishes nearly everyday until I left, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to cook anything.  I gave up, I think on Thursday, though I did clean half still.

Prayer.  I cook, you pray and clean.  There’s nothing like “please bless the hands that prepared it (oh, wait- that’s me!  Bless me.  Oh, I’m so humble)”.  You’re called “Brother (as in like a churchy fashion)” plus you are actually the religious leader in your church in addition to one of your organizations.  Why would you not be happy to say a simple blessing?  It was something we actually argued over.

Bar time.  I felt defenseless against his brother antics and his father’s drunken comments.  I’m surprised we stayed so long.  When the karaoke started, I couldn’t help but remember Steven sing Ice Ice Baby with a flower tied around the top of his head.  I shook it off by dancing a line dance, but I couldn’t get PD to do anything.  After about 5 times of asking, I got him to play pool.  He played off that he was out of practice and blah blah blah.  I told him I was literally nearly ecstatic when I used one ball to hit the other and it worked.  He KILLED me.  He didn’t help hardly at all.  I wasn’t fully expected him to do the whole movie-esque thing and wrap his arms around me and ‘show me’ (would’ve been nice though), but I did expect less gloating and more help than simply pointing at the balls.  He even pulled out his phone while I was lining up shots, so sorry I bored you.

HIS PHONE!  Oh goodness.  I hate it when Debbie pulls out her phone when I’m with her.  It’s one thing if you’re at the bathroom or something, but just finding a quiet lull and pulling out your phone because I’m not actively entertaining you- makes me feel that my time isn’t worth anything.  It isn’t enough that I’m just there.  He actively read his e-mails, checked his phone nearly constantly, and read up on other people’s blogs and stuff while I was there every day.  I ignored nearly every call, checked my email maybe daily, and didn’t return anyone’s call- even when JFK had contacted Debbie, my bishop, my RS president, etc about me being kidnapped and held for ransom somewhere.  I called Debbie back after we had gone to bed.  I guess I don’t deserve the same respect.

Couth.   We spent a lot of time together, but have some couth.  I ate some stuff I don’t typically eat (like nearly any of it).  He pointed out EVERY time my stomach made the TINIEST of noises.  He would also ask me if I was farting.  He made fun of me snoring (sorry I’m sick and exhausted).  Once or twice, maybe ok, I could swallow that, but I navigated it daily.  I’m super sorry I have no control over non-conscious bodily function noises.  I told him he snored pretty badly, and he denied it completely.  Fine.  Whatever.

He told me he lost my address.  It was on a receipt for a gift I had given him.  This, I believe, is a pride thing, but if I really meant something to him- why would he throw it away?  I know the response is- well, he just didn't think about it but that's what bothers me!  As soon as he recognized that was my address, why didn't he write it somewhere more permanent?

Simplicity.  One of our final conversations he said, "Am I not simple enough for the both of us?" referring to when I had told him that I can be high maintenance.  I had gone over-budget by $500 to buy enough clothes and hair products to cover the week.  I never spend this at home, but figured I could use the stuff for work anyway.  Regardless, I tried thinking of my future.  While I had missed my time in the country, I still saw myself getting dressed up, going downtown to shows and dancing.  I just don't see that with PD.

Adventure.  I always knew I was bound for crazy things.  I mean, I want to jump off a cliff in a wingsuit- but if I'm with someone, I'd want that person next to me not watching me and rooting me from afar.  I need someone to give me that extra push- like Brian the first time I went bungee jumping.  I wouldn't have done it without his suggestion, follow-through, and him pulling the rip cord by going with me.

Lastly, he told me he loved me.  This shouldn’t be an issue- it really shouldn’t be weird.  So why is it?  Once he told me he loved me- I thought he was caught up in the moment and I didn’t believe him.  I had no intention of saying it back to him the first time, but I hear and know how traumatizing it is to say the wrong thing at that moment- so I said it back.  He said it later, but he never said it at any moment I thought would be appropriate- either park,  when standing and nuzzling together, at any meal, etc.  It also made me nervous (as he said this before the mill park) that he might try to propose- this also would’ve been a good time to say ‘I love you’ as we danced together in the park to Michael Buble.  He also never explained why- doesn’t that usually go with the first time?  At least before or after?

I have the reasons that I love him, I really do.  I’m trying to weigh pros and cons.  It was one of his bloggers that had commented that if “[he] makes you feel like an ass” then that’s no one he’s interested in being with.  I feel stuck on a teeter totter.  There are some times when I just feel that he is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met and then there are moments when I just want to throw him out the window.

I’m sure there are more, but it’s late.  I’ll update it if I need to.