DTR nightmare

DTR- ehhhh… fez.


After Jon and I had our e-mail back and forth about Christina and Brian, Jon had sent a reply starting with, “I didn’t know what to expect and was even thinking that it might be DTR type of thing…”

I didn’t even know what DTR stood for.  So I did what every good child does nowadays- I googled it!  I ended up finding a blog (go figure) where these chicks were complaining the relationships (or lack thereof) in their lives.  I subsequently learned it meant to ‘define the relationship’.  Evidently, I was supposed to be doing this since I have hung out with several men one-on-one for any amount of time.  I now question how many boyfriends I’ve ever had.  I used to tell people like 20 to 30 something.  I’m thinking that number might actually be like 6 or 7.   Weird, right?

So Jon thought we were going to have a heart-to-heart moment about us.  Well, I wasn’t about to do that right before he went to the Temple.  That was his day and I wasn’t about to add anymore stress to that.  In my history, I think I’ve only had a handful of these discussions, if that.  I think I had only talked about this twice with different guys and one engagement- where that pretty much defined the whole hey, look at us!  We’re together! - thing.

Everyone else had been assumed or just sorta turned into an exclusive relationship without effort on either of our parts.

So slap myself across the face- I brought it up this morning that he had taught me what DTR meant.  PD was surprised that I didn’t know what it meant.  Then, he had mentioned what I feared, I figured we might do that while you were here.  Now, spring break is something to dread.  I tried to back pedal a bit… I’m completely content where I am right now and all that encompasses.
He stated that he had been asked if we had ‘the talk’ or not.  Finally, he asked if I liked being his ‘not-girlfrfiend’ (which is something that I have referred to myself as- sadly, that dates back to John because he was adamant that “you’re not my girlfriend”).
I left to take a shower.

I guess I did a combination of the pathetic shower sit and wall slide (thank you 25tofly).  Based on my last entry, there are so many things that would change.  Everyone would like to think that things don’t change when you make that step- but they surely do.  I wouldn’t have been playful to Debbie’s brother.  I most definitely would’ve slapped him for the wooden hand thing.  I wouldn’t have let him kiss my shoe.  I wouldn’t have carpooled with John or sat next to him at the conference.  I wouldn’t have given that guy that awesome bear hug.  It wouldn’t have been appropriate.

PD is so far away.

Let’s take a mini-step back so you can see my train of thought….

“Let’s be exclusive” or “be my girlfriend?” or anything of the like brings out this in my lil Mormon brain- Will you marry me?  Every article tells you NOT to think this way, but I’ve been hardwired for it for quite some time.  If someone is asking you to be exclusive, there’s that chance that it can easily lead to that.  In that case, start preparing now = don’t let other men tongue your shoe.

Out of all the guys I’m seeing/seen recently, I am most definitely, without a doubt, totally closest to PD.  IF PD asked me to marry him, like right here right now, I would most likely say – maybe, which is actually the best response available.  I would never say yes straightaway (anymore) mostly because I would have to pray on it first (that was a very hard lesson).  I would flat-out decline the rest currently.

My problem is now what?  So, we’re exclusive.  I live in Dallas, he lives in Missouri.  Now what?  I just landed this AMAZING job that is stretching, pulling, leading, and teaching me a bunch of things- and I LOVE that.  I know when I looked at apartment prices in Missouri (I really did, is that weird?) that the cost of living is nearly 50% less than Dallas, but I would have to uproot (again) and hope to find another job.  I like the country, but such a big step is just that- big.

I know I’m over-thinking this, but I just can’t help it.  I love him, but I don’t want to be devastated when I get that ultimatum that ‘things have to change’.

And it isn’t just the distance.

When PD told me the story of how a brother asked him if I was his girlfriend and he said ‘yes.’, I was ALL FOR IT.  I was excited, then he backpedaled and said we were only dating.  That hurt.  It was then that I started looking around some more.  I wasn’t going to let him hurt me too terribly, mind you it was our first meeting, so I had to back off.

Then he told me he ‘I heart you too’ (I only sent a heart).  I was just about to say it back to him, because we were oddly getting closer again, then he backpedaled and said maybe within a year.

Backpedaled again and then said definitely within a year if things stay at the same consistency.

He let his on-line membership lapse on the site where we first met- I was trying not to be excited and to feel around his emotions about it and he said that there was no more online dating for him, then he mentioned something about the singles stuff there.
I don’t know.  I know that I’m balancing here on a two-edged sword because I still attend all my single’s events.

There are times that I feel really close to him and then there are times when it feels like ice.  I don’t honestly know what he thinks or where we stand, which would be a good reason for a DTR, but I know that “if you have to ask, then you don’t want to know”  or “then you’re not where you think you should be”.  It can also be a major dealbreaker- having a breakup conversation essentially with someone you’re not actually together with.  It just seems easier to just let it be.
I’m new at my job, I’m comfortable in my life- why do things have to change at all?  I don’t think he’s at a place for any major changes, and looking for a condo should be all the excitement I can handle with my new job.

I would absolutely love to be his girlfriend- it actually bothers me that I can’t be, but honestly, I just don’t see how…

Those 10 days are coming way too fast…