Emma

So, I spent half the night unable to sleep, mostly I think due to the stress of yesterday.  It's moving day- again! x like 4 or something....  I don't have my hopes too high but after losing Shawn and the management caring less and making such a fuss about the work involved for tracking down the person- I'm not as safe as I felt when I first moved here.

Anyway,  when I finally fell asleep- I had a dream.

This wasn't like a normal dream.  I think I finally have gained some understanding about why events played out the way they did.

The first part of the dream, I was proposed to by Kevin Nufer which is so hugely strange.  I think I had a crush on him when I was maybe 10 or 11?  I haven't seen or talked to him since I was 14.  He was Natalie's (my bff of childhood) older brother.  He only proposed to me because he found out I was pregnant.  It was simple- just a knee in a back room of a house (couldn't tell if it was his bedroom or like a family room).  That scene cut and then went to me walking.  I only know this reason because in this scene, I was walking into a place across a parking lot with a friend.  I was wearing the simple little ring and that's what I told her (didn't see who 'she' was).  I was looking down at my hand in the scene.  Next.

I worked either at a corporation (cuz the architecture was gorgeous) or a University. As I was working and navigating rooms, I was told I had a visitor and I needed to meet him downstairs.   When I went downstairs, I met with Steven and the child in his arms.  We both looked older.  The child was Emma.  She was about 2-3.  As he transferred her sleeping body into my arms, he said a few noncoherent things about her schedule, not to be late, etc.  I didn't hear anything at all- but that's what I felt he was talking about.  I guess I had forgot that I had her that day, I ran her bag upstairs then I went into the lady's room.  I had to go to the bathroom.  When I put her down (I know, right!  On the floor of the bathroom!), she kept trying to crawl out from under the stall.  I finally grabbed her by one leg and pulled her up.  I said something like trying to to see if she needed a diaper change or not.  The other women smiled (it was my guess they didn't really see me as a 'mothering' type and it was refreshing for them).  She was only wet and another woman gave me a diaper and I changed her and we walked out.

She ran up to Steven, who scooped her up and she gave him a big hug and a kiss on the nose (she learned that from her mother).  He was in the same outfit- white shirt, dark tie, slacks.  He looked exacerbated.  I handed the bag over to him.

As he walked away, I had realized something.  I had talked through and decided to give Steven full custody of Emma because I hated dragging her between the two of us.  Even when I had her, I didn't have the proper time to give her.  I had decided to let her stay with him where he could have a part-time job, care for her, and he had the support around him (which means she had more family around him).  I decided to increase my child support and cried realizing that I would only see her a few times a year and she would grow up without me.  I wanted what was best and the parent that could spend the time with her was it.  I thought about the story of the baby and the two bickering women.  When the king told the guard to cut the baby in half and give half to each- the mother said to give the child to the other.  She never would want her baby slain.

I would want what's best for Emma, and that evidently wasn't me.  Even being awake and reflecting on it, that is a good assumption of what we would have done.  With my work schedule, Emma wouldn't have been able to spend time with me, but I would be able to provide for her.  It was similar to what we did when we had the girls.  They were both "Steven's girls".  He was the one that spent the time with them while I was gone at class or at work.  When they were hurt or upset, they ran to him, not to me.  I was second best, I was there when Steven wasn't but I was the one that set up their room, woke up at night to be with them, and the one that bought the food, clothes, and toys, but they wanted to spend their time with the person that cared for them- Steven.  I could actually see this really happening if things didn't play out the way they did.  I guess our relationship was broken enough that we would still be divorced (which wasn't my idea anyway) and this would probably be the end result of our custody battle.

What a painful realization.