Oh! and there it is!

I actually made it to FHE.  Yay!  I was a little late and a little bummed that I would be leaving early.  When I arrived, I didn't see Ross' car initially, but a white car in the dark was hard to see regardless.  I walked into the gym to the guys building a fort and relaying it to a stronghold for protection against the world.  Ross was in the fort- it was fun.  After the lesson, he came over to a group I was talking to and said hi.  That's all it took for me to blush, strange (it's really been awhile, hasn't it).  I told him I had to leave early, so for the rest of the time, he kept asking me if I was leaving every time I moved (had to clarify some patient information I didn't have- like the address and a good phone number, duh!)  Finally, the activity dispersed and I was still waiting for my boss to call back.  I found a piano and played and talked to another sister cleaning the chalk board.  I miss the piano so, I wish I had a nice keyboard, time, or overall better ability to play.  A year ago, I planned on taking lessons, but with my schedule everchanging- I can't ever really plan anything, ever.

I got the call and went out to my car.  Ross flagged me down as I started to pull away.  I gave him a hug which he quickly pulled away from.  He apologized for the night before, said he wasn't interested, and that we should only be friends.  With that, he walked away.  Just like that.

There is nothing like having your feelings crushed and then having to put on a happy face and charade for a patient- much less a scary, late night one.  My boss called, told me I was going to be training a girl tomorrow and I have to drag her everywhere with me (the last time was an absolute disaster).  In the matter of a few minutes, my entire day just crumbled.  I didn't want to go to the Single's congregation again, I felt left alone by one friend, and I wondered why I ever gave up on the idea that I am destined to be alone in this life.  I had my marriage- it failed, the end.  I had my chance and now it's gone.  I hate to prove my mother right, but it hurt.  I was trying to back off some, and hadn't texted him all day compared to him texting me off and on the prior three days.  I don't know.  I don't know if it wasn't meant to be (which it obviously wasn't), if it was me or my horrendous past he didn't know about, or if he had finally decided on someone else.  I felt so comfortable with him.  I had actually prayed and fasted over him the past Sunday- which I hadn't done for a man in a few years.  All in all, I had a wonderful dream and awoke to my reality.  I truly wish nothing but wonderful things- because he's a wonderful guy.  I know I never stood a chance, but I would've truly loved to get to know him better.  I don't think I had ever met a more spiritual person, minus higher authorities.  He was someone I admired, even from what little we had talked and I observed.  Simply wish it didn't have to end.  Tomorrow begins life as normal again: I'll wake up, finish something that should've been done weeks ago, do something I really don't want to do, visit my patients, come home late at night and exhausted.  All for it to start the next day and the next and the next.   I guess I can't complain for my day of bliss, it definitely made the harder parts more bearable.  I'm just being a typical 20 something year old and feeling alone and embracing something that could've possibly changed it.

Think I'm crazy yet?  I'm beginning to wonder...