Spiritual Experience

That is the end of my missing pages for now.  I'm sure there are more pictures on cameras or cards elsewhere.  I don't know where exactly our marriage began to fall apart- but it did... and I'm still surrounded by all the pieces.  It's strange- there are times when I feel completely together, like I can do this- I can live my life!  Then something ever-so-subtle will hit me- a memory, a saying, whatever- and it all comes crashing down again.  I don't know when it will end but right now I feel like I'm living life in pause somehow thinking somewhere in my mind that just maybe he'll just magically come back (heart) while I know full well he never will (brain).

Interestingly, there was an answer to my unspoken prayer a full year before I ever spoke it.  July 2010, I went to an EMS conference down in Indianapolis to renew my skills for my upcoming recert (that I should probably be doing right now...)  It was during one of the times Steven and I were starting to come at odds.  We didn't have alot of money- I packed PB&J to eat for 3 straight days and I stayed in the hostel.

While I was there, I was content.  I love to learn- especially hands on.  I was there alone and without any friends, but that seemed to be ok.  It was nice to meet other people experiencing the same thing.  It was on the drive home though, that I heard a song come on the radio several times.

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now

Yeah, I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
'Cause after all the partyin' and smashin' and crashin'
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time where you fade to the blackness
And when you starin' at that phone in your lap
And you hopin' but them people never call you back
But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for if you had one chance?
So airplane, airplane, sorry I'm late
I'm on my way so don't close that gate
If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night


Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now
Wish right now

I had the strangest feeling of strength plus the strangest feeling of being alone and it was ok.

I absolutely HATE being alone- even though I usually am.

But that feeling.... that strength,  I had the feeling that if I was ever alone- that I would be ok- that I would make it.  I never imagined it would've been through a divorce though.  I was ever so content, alone, driving those 3 hours home.  

I reflect on both this song, that night with those feelings, and a beautiful blessing given by Bryan Daulton (our mutual friend and wedding DJ) that my divorce was "not a punishment".  Things happen.  I really wish it didn't happen to me- I hate divorces in their entirety even before I got married.

But, I should be ok.  I have the strength to get through this.

Why then, does it continue to hurt so bad?  Why can't I seem to let go?  Why does every little thing bring back so many painful memories?  Why should I pretend a few years of my life just didn't happen?  I loved my marriage and I rue the day I stood up there and lied to the judge that our marriage couldn't be fixed.  I know at the time that Steven didn't even want to try- but surely there was some other way or if time had simply went by and everything cooled.

Now, I'm alone in a strange city, struggling for everything I used to stand for while Steven is at home living the life with a new, beautiful girlfriend.  The one picture I saw- I saw the same look he used to give me.  My heart is shattered.