There are times that I can split myself into two different
personalities. I have like my rational
side and my irrational side. They argue
quite a bit. I only bring this up
because I’m starting to feel very torn.
I don’t censor pretty much anything that I put on this blog- which can
be both useful and harmful. Sorry.
*warning- I will probably ramble about random events,
thoughts, feelings, and other things trying to dive into my own subconscious to
figure out what I’m really getting at*
Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day was nice.
I didn’t receive any Valentine’s technically
this year. It isn’t a big deal. I was able to pass valentines to my patients
and help make their week. I also drove
pretty far to see a patient in the hospital.
He had asked me earlier in the week to be his valentine then went into
the hospital a few days before. I
dressed up, bought him a small chocolate cake-thing, and a bear that said Happy Valentine’s Day. I was able to visit with him an hour or
so. This is how I like to think of that
day. I was somewhat dating two guys at
this time. One didn’t say a word to me
the entire day. The other wrote a long
email where he rambled for a page or two then sent me a picture (which he
implied he designed but ultimately took from a website- that changed the entire
mood), pulled a prank (learned what rick-rolled meant!), then asked me to be
his valentine. I could tell that it was
sincere, poorly executed but sincere. To
throw him off his game, and lure him away from my present to him- I wrote it
off as a prank.
As for bad bowling date guy (I should just name these guys-
I think I mentioned the Jo(h)ns but I’ll probably name them JFK and PD to avoid
further confusion). So for JFK, I set up
some elaborate gift. Basically, I found
some equations, removed a letter from some and numbered them. If filled out properly, it spelled ‘happy
valentine’s day’. Next, I had a physics
teacher help me come up with some equations that totaled 5103 when added
together (it’s a check to see if he got the answers right, happy=5,
valentines=10, day=3). Using that
combination, it opened a lockbox with his present that was an embossed hymnal
and scripture bag (yeah…. expensive.)
My initial plan was to surprise him on Thursday early
morning with breakfast and this stuff.
My mother talked me out of it. So
Wednesday night, I covered his garage in the equations and placed the box and
packet of paperwork. It seemed like
something he would like, and if I received it- I would find it to be fun. Well, that night he stated that he had
received the ‘lovely’ gift. I was
crushed. He never said thanks or happy
valentine’s day. What a failure. We still had a standing date for Friday.
Friday came, I found out that he hadn’t even opened the
packet or even received the presents.
Since I use the lock for other things, I needed it back. I just opened the box, he opened his
presents. He said both thank you and (at
the end of the night) happy valentine’s day.
I’m not his girlfriend (explicitly expressed by him) and we’re hardly
dating. Not entirely sure what to make
of this. It’s strange. When we first met- from our first
interaction, he was wrapped around my shoulders. He kissed me by date two- then after-
nothing. He gave me some creepy moments
where he asked me to stay the night and I was all like, “No.” He seemed to have some weird awkwardness
behind him. If, by chance, we were
touching in any fashion for an amount of time- he would push me away- like
physically. He hurt me a few times and
told me ‘well, I asked nicely once and you didn’t move’. Probably not the best of things. I learned in upper body strength- he has
total power. In lower body strength, I
do. There aren’t many instances that I
have the advantage though. I have pinned
him though- so I know I can do it.
Enough of this, my main concern is about PD.
From the beginning of the week, I started making plans to
see PD for the first time. We had talked
consistently for nearly a month. Even in
an email, he stated that we should probably meet. I figured, with some luck, it would make a
fun valentine’s day surprise. I had
everything planned to a T and even scored an awesome rental car complete with
satellite radio (2013 Ford Fusion in white!
I broke it’s 1,000 mile virginity-heehee).
Due to my date with JFK starting at 730p instead of 545- I
immediately fell behind schedule for leaving at midnight. I would not put the first time restriction-
because I had planned to say, hey, gotta
go by 1130p, since I was late and leaving early. We went to dinner (chili’s- yum!), to the
opening night of a new carnival (they need to advertise better because we were
the only people there- which was awesome in itself), watched a movie to which I
fell asleep, and I woke up to him watching ‘Duck tales’ –remember that? (In this date, he did throw me to the ground
quite literally and blamed me- do I have an abuse thing going on? It didn’t hurt and if he intentionally hurt
me I’d intentionally hurt him so I feel we’re even).
At 105a when I got home, I was more than exhausted. I rationalized in my head that the time could
change but I could still pull it off. I
woke up around 3 or so and left the house by 4.
At 1030ish, I got into Missouri.
I couldn’t pull off my original heist because there were no numbers on
the apartments, lame.
When we met up, I knew that he should have been surprised,
but he looked somewhat annoyed (complete with one-arm noncommittal hug). It seemed like a bad first impression-
especially now that he would have to put up with me for the next day or
so. I knew he was a bit under the
weather, but since I had already paid for everything, I figured I wouldn’t have
a problem with just hanging out at his place.
We both changed (I showed up in a red valentine’s dress and he wasn’t
awake yet). While trying to map out the
day, his mother called. She invited him
to lunch and when he said he had company now- she was like, well, does she want to come too? I really wanted to say nah, I’ll just hang while you two kids have fun now!
Lunch was fun. We
went to a diner. I love diners, but they
scare me somewhat. I usually have some
health problems after. I also didn’t
know if I was going to pay for mine, if PD was going to cover it, or if I
should offer to cover everyone. PD
actually paid for all of it without saying anything. His mother is nice. She smokes, which I only mention because PD
had blogged about her needing to quit.
The lunch was full of quiet from me.
They talked about a bunch of things and people I didn’t know anything
about. I felt intrusive, and I kinda was
by the setup of everything.
After lunch, PD had to do the church bulletin. He didn’t want to take me with, so I went
back to the hotel. From the way things
had been going, I feared he wouldn’t come back.
I was actually surprised when he did.
He came in and excited the dogs. They
took to PD all too well (darn guard dogs).
They played for awhile, then we went to his mother’s house. We met her dog, KuJo who ended up humping
poor fixed Dai for most of the afternoon.
PD obviously had no real idea what to do. His mother was talking of leaving to go to
Mass. I told her I’d go- not because
cuddling with PD was bad- I was bored and didn’t want to fall asleep just
yet. Mass was interesting. During lunch, his mother had mentioned a new
preacher. He was ok. His English was somewhat hard to follow. I also realized how much from Mass I had
forgotten- like all the prayers…. Oops?
After, we planned on a later movie, went to a Mexican dinner
which he started to realize something was going on- he opened my car door for
the first time, visited his father and his dog, Found’er, followed by going to
a place he used to volunteer? It was a
place for teens to hang with a bunch of games.
He talked to some people while I kinda hung back. Finally, we went to see Warm Bodies- sounds bad, right?
It’s a zombie movie- a romantic one, which was kinda weird.
Finally it was bed time.
He drove me home then left without so much as a hug (since we were just
holding hands in the theatre). I asked
if he wanted to meet for breakfast and he said no. This had me worried. Nothing like ruining someone’s weekend,
right?
We met up the next morning around 830 for a 9am church
service. He housed my dogs in his
apartment since I had to check out. At
church, I was introduced without any title- just Eileen. That’s ok, I guess, it was our first time
together anyway. I don’t know why, but I
really wanted him to put his arm around me.
I put mine around him a few times, I figured I was probably pushing it-
but my mind is special. I finally
grabbed onto his arm. He didn’t let go,
even for the prayer. I had to let go
after because people wanted to shake my hand again.
RS was full of gabby sisters that had nothing but sweet
things to say about PD. I figured they
would want to get him married off. One
mentioned that our little ‘red-headed’ children would be adorable. Too bad it’s not real! Haha.
After church, PD was to be set apart for a new calling
(which when he was asked away during Sunday school was extended to him). I didn’t plan to be a part of it- it wasn’t
my place. That’s like a wife or minimal
girlfriend place. As I was planning to
walk out, a brother literally told me I could leave as he was closing the
door. I watched PD receive a blessing
and then give one. Always love a
priesthood member… *day dreamy*
Moving on, after church we went for a fairly long walk (I
let him lead- and it was longer than I expected). Before I left, I gave him a bug hug. At first, he held then let go, but then
pulled back in again with both arms (yeah, a real hug). He kept his arm around my back when he pushed
away. He gave me an innocent little
kiss- like the kind you give your mother when she kisses you on the lips (some
families do that). I thought I may have
been the one to initiate that so I felt guilty while he walked me over to my
car. As I got in and turned the car on,
he did the movie-esque boyfriendy thing and leaned in the open door and kissed
me innocently again. Then he left
without turning around and went inside after a last wave.
I felt awkward and like a burden the entire weekend up until
the end. At the end, I felt like there
was a chance. I also became starry-eyed
and stopped thinking rationally. This
means, that I planned our entire future in about 2 hours of day dreamy driving.
We texted a bit, he told me that a brother had asked if I
was the girlfriend and he said sure. He
then back pedaled and said that we were only dating- which is somewhat a
relief.
Ok. I tried to share
the entire weekend of impressions and crude observations. On the remainder of the ride home (which was
like another 6 hours- since I had to drive a bit farther and hit traffic),
realization set in…
I had been in a HUGE long-distance relationship before. Again we’re talking about commuting and
seeing each other. Brian was
devastating. It was five years of
commuting and sacrifice for him to ask me to wait possibly another 6-7 years or
more until he ‘felt ready for marriage’.
While I’m glad that he was at least thinking it through, we had already
been together for 5 and I wasn’t planning to just stick around to hope maybe
one day he’d be ready. He’s still my
longest relationship including my marriage. Which
brought me to him. PD writes, ex
writes. I feel like I’ve tried this
before. Now I have a combination of both
of my major past loves. I’m scared to
death and not sure if it’s worth a try. I
had been trying as though I’ve never had my heart broken- but I have-
devastatingly. He is the first guy I
dated that I haven’t converted (aside from JFK- who hasn’t reached the level he
should be at yet with PD’s planned for early next month). I’m scared.
Pretty plain and simple. I feel
pretty (and prematurely) attached to him.
I do that. I don’t know why or
how to stop it.
I think what I fear absolutely most, is that I navigate
decisions around such menial stupidities- like this. I mean, for Brian I moved to Chicago. I never would’ve gone to Purdue without
him. For the ex, I dug into debt and
maxed my student loan while working full time at a horrendous job with crazy
hours, miscarried a child, failed out of school, and I still wasn’t good enough. For JFK, I took a job that I was under
qualified to do to stay in Dallas. I had
job offers from other states that just wanted people to come- here’s a job! Some were even hospital jobs and I turned
them down. Now I have a new situation
and I don’t know what will happen with it, but it has me worried. I mean, I’m happy for this chance- but I just
want it to be worth it….
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