My mind is all over the place.
I blame this stupid movie I'm watching right now- Revolutionary Road (TV version- not the R one). Movies have always been able to have some weird profound almost life-changing effect on me that can last a few days. This might be a reason I'm not the most fond of them....
I digress
Not that that makes sense since I don't know what I'm writing about exactly.
Mostly, I've been reflecting on the last like 16 hours or so. I wrote my last entry. I worked. I went on a date. I reflected on some major changes that are totally screwing over my world.
Let me just throw it all out there in no random order:
- There's a Brian- that's a self-explanatory statement for those that know me
- I went on a horrible date last night (not with Brian). I thought I liked him but there's just something HORRENDOUSLY, HORRIBLY, COMPLETELY wrong and I can't put my finger on it. There's something that's drawing me to him and I can't figure it out. Even Debbie, Alice, Bill, Scott, and I'm sure a bunch of other people I'm failing to name would say - forget him! I probably will, but curiosity killed the cat- and I well, meow at alot of people... Meow?
- My dad took a 20% pay cut to avoid losing his job, which puts a real strain on my entire family in Ohio, in addition to me feeling drawn to return to Ohio. I would do ANYTHING not to return, but they're my family.
- Reminds me I don't have my act together. Living paycheck to paycheck maybe the norm- but I should be better than this! Stupid movie- "who makes the rules anyway?! To hell with the rules!" I knew this movie would get to me- bring on the standup comedy I'll forget about later!
- In order to qualify for the sign-on bonus for the Texas Reserve (8 year commitment), I have to take a one-weekend-a-month job in San Antonio- 7 hrs away. I want to take the student loan burden from my father- especially since his paycut.
- I fear I may have to move again
- I'm waiting to hear from my new job to start (awaiting the background check- I may be doomed)- which reverts back to the 7 hr drive, moving to Ohio, moving closer to San Antonio, etc. If I'm stuck in Texas for 8 years, how will I do anything?
- If my job doesn't pay me on payday Monday, I will be homeless- kinda sucks. My job hasn't paid me in the last month and yet I'm still working for them and seeing the patients they are assigning.
- If I fight, it can get stuck for years in legalities which I can't afford, I'll still be homeless by Wednesday; if I don't- I may not get paid (I hate writing about work).
- I work today.
- A patient called that wasn't home when I went to see her- which means I should go see her. Why does she live so far?
- I turned down a very do-able job that wanted me to start the next day for the chance at this other job- which may have been a very big mistake since it is taking so long.
- I'm hugely under-qualified for the new job I accepted. Like, not a single clue on how to do ANY of it.
- The pain of spending eternity alone because I don't have everything together bothers me. I always worry about Emma and what she must be feeling or thinking watching her mother struggle, make poor decisions, etc. The military recruiter told me what a blessing it is that she's not here- no custody battles, no responsibilities, "sometimes 'God' knows what's best for us and evidently it was best for you"- ouch. Nothing like being told you shouldn't be a mother and God agrees.
- I received an e-mail of a new blog posting. The post was about me. It wasn't bad at all- aside from calling me 'Bug'. I know it's from Kessabug- but there are mixed emotions that accompanies that. It wasn't the post that bothered me- it was the comments and tags. At least on my journal blog, people don't readily comment. My step-grandmother usually just sends an email that stated she read it. In the e-mail, some of the tags were, "dating", "eternal companion", I finally let the cat out of the bag", "not a dude", "not a molly mormon", "online dating service", "temple", and "very pretty lady". I like the pretty lady- but some of the others make me a bit squeamish. Most of the comments were about serious relationships, marriage, wishing him 'good luck' with me- oh goodness. I can't even wrap my head around this.
I don't think that was all of them. Just stuff I'm reflecting on currently. I feel very stuck. I know I'm in-between some things, things are changing around the corner- maybe I'm just a little squeamish about the unknown future. I don't know what lies 5 years ahead- where I'll be, who'll be there with me, what I'll be doing- if I somehow (with almost ALL of God's help- because I'll need it!) thrive at my new job, I could even own a home. Those dreams seem so far- yet, many have already started accomplishing them. How did I fall behind the curve?
No comments:
Post a Comment