I have to say thanks to PD because, while at first he made things worse, ultimately- he was the one that kinda restored my 'normalness'.
I haven't had consistent sleep since last Thursday between patients, jobs, PD, other people, stress, and travels. Tuesday, I was reminded of another fun allergy I have- paint. They were painting the halls, but I didn't realize it, nor was it announced. It must have been the hall under me. I made it a few steps out my door- then I was on the ground and the world was swirling. Andrew suggested I go to the doctor (one of the neighbors- pretty sure he gave me a love poem on Wednesday) I was diagnosed with low potassium, low magnesium, exhaustion, dehydration, anemia, arrhythmia (which I already had), and a possible minor respiratory infection (noted from swelling- probably brought on from the paint I was allergic to). Without prescriptions and to continue with life as usual, it was suggested that I take an aspirin, drink a bottle of water, drink a berry and protein smoothie (like a berry farms or naked drink), take a vitamin, and crash for 8-10 hrs. I don't have time for things like that- so I opted for the drinks and then shot a 5 hr energy.
About 3 hrs later, I was driving around to my patients' houses and writing lists of advice and was a literal mess. I'm in process of switching jobs, so I have to say goodbye to my patients. Some I haven't told, some I've started to tell, some I don't plan to tell at all. I'm getting all sort of reactions- some are angry, like really angry; some are sad, like my now suicidal patient; no one is really happy about it- except my one that didn't really care. I've seen some lash out because I seemingly 'you don't care about me- you never did!'; 'I never should've opened up to you'; 'no one else will be the same!'. It's excruciating. The song that came to me was from 98 degrees:
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
To look you in the eye
And tell you I don't love you
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can't let you see what you mean to me
When my hands are tied and my heart's not free
We're not meant to be
It's a little strong for some of my patients, but I truly do love them. I've had the wonderful opportunity to get to know and serve them- some for almost a year. As for my daily patients, I'm closer to them than most of their friends and family because I am there every, single day. I've had marriage proposals (like serious ones), been through deaths of their family, friends, and their own, been through traumatic events, been through happy times (newborns, healed wounds), I've been there when they were down, bored, happy. We've been through a lot, and it's very hard to just turn around and say - well, it's been fun, bye now.
Not to mention my company is asking me not to leave. There's some history there- if you know me, you would know.
In the midst of all the craziness of losing a job, gaining a job, saying goodbye, possibly moving, starting a new calling, I threw PD in the middle. I was a mess and thinking down since all my patients are now upset with me (I can't stand to hurt people)- I was all like what on earth does he see in me?! He must be off his rocker!
So I'm going to include the lists I wrote while I was out and about. I'm not sure how cohesive I can make them- my mind was running like 5hrs faster and more than it should have.
Ok, so I guess I started thinking seriously about PD and I when he posted his first blog posting on Feb 9th about me. It was also about his kitty so it wasn't all about me. It was at that point that we had started talking more, almost daily. It was around that time that we had 'gone to bed together' almost three nights in a row. Basically, this meant that he would be on like an instant messenger and I would speak my end of the conversation and he would write his. It was pretty cool. He told me he wasn't much of a speaker but he is a wonderful writer. I made the executive decision that in order for me to feel comfortable considering a romantic relationship- I needed to meet him and the sooner the better. There's nothing worse than getting attached to them and meeting someone you weren't expecting. I just had to be absolutely sure he wasn't a chick! haha.
Up until the end, I was leaning either way toward our relationship. If it worked-great! If it didn't- it's a cool story. I would've given him a great gift anyway (because how many times in your life does somebody make a grand entrance, fuss, and do something amazingly special just for you?). I tried. I'm not entirely sure if I was really all that - but still a cool story.
I realized it was Sunday, when it dawned on me how amazing a man he truly is. And I totally freaked (mind you, this is from my spastic brain replaying these events on Wednesday). I can't love him! Then my mind lapsed again- did I just say love? Nuuu..... Really?
Nuuuu....
We hadn't been 'together' that long- right?
I reflected on the one sister from his ward that had said 'we met in February and were married in September'. I also thought about Travis, a friend from childhood- he had proposed to his girlfriend 100 days in (and even created the sweetest slideshow for it called 100 Days of Holly). Please. PD and I had hardly been talking a few weeks.
I started analyzing in the only way I knew how- the hardest way possible. Let's see- what's the hardest thing- let's start with a diamond.
He would be like an excellent grade F color VS1 asscher cut diamond (really good, but not perfect)
I would be like a generic good grade G or M color I3 round (this is like a chocolate diamond)
He lives so far away. I'm not good with long distance relationships. (I didn't quite know where to fit this bullet point in).
Let's see- I think most connect to information from some stupid article I had read. On first read, I rolled my eyes and I'm so like this lady is so dumb. It got stuck in my head (I even shared the article with Him- as He said 'in that case I'm a girl!') It was called Six Reasons to Date Like a Dude. It talked about how guys don't make drama, dive into relationships, not afraid to try new things, take care of themselves first, and aren't afraid to try and date above their class.
What crawled under my skin after awhile was my whole Lent thing. The prior me would be all like yeah! Let's dive in headfirst and see if I sink or swim- or if he comes to my rescue after hitting my head at the bottom.
Then I remembered that I'm not supposed to be thinking like me I'm supposed to be thinking like some other mythical, logical creature that is successful in life.
Oops.
can we break up even if we're not dating?
"Well, what if we're just exclusive friends- yeah! Like we only have each other as friends" - similar to what Monica said to Richard (?) in FRIENDS
"You just love to be in love- whether or not you love that person" Chris from high school (the gay bf that dated my other bf)
"John, Marsha" Dad
"Why Jon? Weren't we done with that putz already? How could you date another Jon?" Dad again, in relation to the Jonathan from my past. I had every intention of telling PD about this I think it was Monday night, but I didn't get the chance and now I really don't want to.
"Why would you even think of doing this to yourself again?" thanks Mom.
" Falling in love takes a great deal of time. I imagine myself falling in love with my best friend and seeing how things fall from there. The feelings I have for right now, well that's just infatuation and I won't feel like this for you later" Ross
"Oh, I broke up with her. She was being all weird and had put me up on like this pedestal." and "You changed from the moment we were engaged- I never should've married you!" thank you ex. You have scarred me for life.
I went back to the article. I mean, this woman has an article on eharmony- not slim pickings for a relationship expert. She had to know something, right? In the article, she explained how stupid all these girls were being for 'hitting it off with a guy' then they would stop dating and the guy would keep looking for the most logical match.
She also said
"I hear women all of the time referring to their boyfriend, or talking about how they are in a relationship with a guy, and they just met him three weeks ago! Until you have been dating exclusively for at least a few months, you are not in a relationship, you are dating the guy. I remember talking to one of my girlfriends once about the guy she was dating and she said testily, “We’re not dating, we’re together.” ‘Oh, excuse me,’ I thought. They weren’t married, living together or engaged, so I would call that dating."
I felt like I was maybe putting all my 'eggs in one basket', so to speak. And I was told repeatedly not to do this so I wouldn't be devastated when he had finally had enough and leaves. I don't want to hold him back from meeting someone truly remarkable. I'm sure there are all sorts of great women in Missouri and Oklahoma (he lives close enough for that).
I thought about Jordan. I had mentioned it in the one post I never shared from December 27- before we even met.
"But then, I thought about the whirlwind (as he described it) of his love of Angela. I couldn't help but want someone who would love me as much as to never give me a chance to 'be let go', so to speak. He couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking her away or even giving her a chance to continue looking. He was set, done, and couldn't imagine a day of his life without her."
They had met and dated about one month. I know it's like way different for them- they lived next door to each other. They were able to see each other every day, talk every day, eat together every day- and I wouldn't have that.
So I went against the advice that I just troubled myself over for the previous hours, I talked to PD. I told him I worried because I don't have the best track record with long distance relationships, to which he replied,
"Well, things change all the time. I'm not worrying about it, and I don't think you should either... I really like you, and I would like to at least try it out. So that's where I'm coming from."
In my fragile mind, I was all like NOW, WHY'D YA'LL HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT FOR? (Yes, my southern Texas-ness shows when I'm in a fragile state of mind, evidently.)
Basically, my mind interpreted the information as this:
Let's try this out! = SCARY! =
= 
Didn't he realize what I nut-job I am?
This was a bad thought- it lead me to reflecting on part of his valentine,
"I realized that I don’t really know that much about you. I know your favorite color is green (but still not sure what shade.) I know you’re from Ohio…divorced…a good lesson preparer…funny…beautiful…an animal lover…a good writer…adventurous….do you play the organ?...and NOT a Molly Mormon. What is your favorite Movie? TV Show? Food? Song? For instance…have you ever been Rick Rolled? Have you ever tried to write something other than a blog? Do you like Elvis?"
This poor guy doesn't know anything about me! Just a few days prior I was imagining everything about him (I have a lot of down mind time to imagine stuff- like when I'm driving and making lists). Would we still even be friends if he knew
the vast majority of the time my socks don't match?
that I'm deathly afraid of the tiniest of spiders
unless I'm like in a really bad or playful mood
What if he knew I was like a closet perfectionist and I worry about the tiniest of things? Things can haunt me after the fact for ages- like for my senior project in Nursing school.
But He doesn't know my favorites:
What if he knew that I've been known to drop everything (like EVERYTHING) when asked a simple favor and can go over-the-top with things?
What if he knew that I can be over-the-top and dramatic to just about everything- if I wanted?
What if he knew that I was keeping him from my parents, for the most part, because I know they wouldn't like him?
What if he knew I didn't tell my best friend I 'got the job' because I'm afraid of living with her?
What if he knew my faith wasn't as strong as his? (I've had more time-like a lifetime)
There was definitely a lot of crap crossing my mind as I was driving my 200 miles yesterday. The more I dwelt on my pain and fear.
I had to pray. As you can surely see, I was losing my mind. I also didn't want to scare off this poor guy (scared yet guy?)
The Lord spoke comfort to my soul- and stopped most of my craziness. I reflected on a few things:
The breakdown of yesterday- probably better from both our perspectives:
KB: We've known each other 43 days (as of yesterday)
PD: Really? Since Jan 6th, right?
KB: 7- that's when you responded back
PD: oh, ok. I was looking at that the other day too (the website that we met on)
KB: More women to date? (at that point, it was an innocent question- they pick three people for you to evaluate per day)
PD: What? I was on there looking up when we first started talking (exactly what I was doing too!). My thing expires in a couple of days, so no more women to check out for me. Why did you ask?
~This is where my mind started having some issues- looking deeper, I thought he was basically saying exclusive- and I hadn't sorted my feelings entirely. I had an idea what they are, but that article from the Date chick really through my mind into a loop
KB: I'm trying not to be complicated while over-analyzing everything. It's hard to explain, by day 40, I knew exactly how I felt about you. That's part of what scared me. I married my ex within 10 days and the end of that was the hardest thing to endure and I don't ever want to think about that happening again. For Lent, I decided to give up 'myself' and to become someone I aspire to be except this past weekend because I had already planned it out.
In 40 days, I quit a job, met the man of my dreams, got a high affluent job that will make me work harder than ever before, and was sued- everything is moving so fast and I don't want to blow it (which is exactly what I'm doing right here).
PD: I'm pretty reasonable, so I'm not going to do anything too crazy (even though I'm pretty sure I know how I feel about you too) ~she's nutz! haha.
He encouraged me to talk, offered strong support, and was open to suggestions for help- isn't he awesome?
So this is the mess I created when I realized that I had not only fallen, but was in love with him. I'll never tell him that- that's a different story. I worried it was infatuation because we had only been talking like 2 weeks (which is why I looked it up)- but we had been talking near constantly for almost 6 weeks. I'm not entirely sure how to end this, but I've never been so thankful to my Heavenly Father for introducing me to someone like him. I ultimately just want him to be happy- and I'm thankful that I get to spend at minimum- a little bit of that time with him.
As for that chick, she stated in her article that she doesn't believe in love at first sight she only believed in lust at first sight. I think I feel sorry for her. I had talked to PD for a few weeks before meeting- but I knew immediately that I had a deep like for him. It wasn't sexually related. He had a wonderful, quiet demeanor, kind eyes (though sickly and tired), and on that Sunday I could feel the Priesthood power he holds. It wasn't lust. He's just a truly lovable guy.
Don't think that you got me girl
Don't think you can tame me and change me
Don't think that it's all because of you
Just because I don't run around
Just because we're forever together
Don't you think of a four letter word to use
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above...but, girl I'm not in love
Don't think that you got it made
Don't think it's so easy to keep me
Never know it could all just fade away
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above...but, girl I'm not in love
So if my heart just skips a beat
What if I lose a little sleep
Believe me
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right...I'm not in love
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right...I'm not in love
She also said
"I hear women all of the time referring to their boyfriend, or talking about how they are in a relationship with a guy, and they just met him three weeks ago! Until you have been dating exclusively for at least a few months, you are not in a relationship, you are dating the guy. I remember talking to one of my girlfriends once about the guy she was dating and she said testily, “We’re not dating, we’re together.” ‘Oh, excuse me,’ I thought. They weren’t married, living together or engaged, so I would call that dating."
I felt like I was maybe putting all my 'eggs in one basket', so to speak. And I was told repeatedly not to do this so I wouldn't be devastated when he had finally had enough and leaves. I don't want to hold him back from meeting someone truly remarkable. I'm sure there are all sorts of great women in Missouri and Oklahoma (he lives close enough for that).
I thought about Jordan. I had mentioned it in the one post I never shared from December 27- before we even met.
"But then, I thought about the whirlwind (as he described it) of his love of Angela. I couldn't help but want someone who would love me as much as to never give me a chance to 'be let go', so to speak. He couldn't bear the thought of someone else taking her away or even giving her a chance to continue looking. He was set, done, and couldn't imagine a day of his life without her."
They had met and dated about one month. I know it's like way different for them- they lived next door to each other. They were able to see each other every day, talk every day, eat together every day- and I wouldn't have that.
So I went against the advice that I just troubled myself over for the previous hours, I talked to PD. I told him I worried because I don't have the best track record with long distance relationships, to which he replied,
"Well, things change all the time. I'm not worrying about it, and I don't think you should either... I really like you, and I would like to at least try it out. So that's where I'm coming from."
In my fragile mind, I was all like NOW, WHY'D YA'LL HAVE TO GO AND SAY THAT FOR? (Yes, my southern Texas-ness shows when I'm in a fragile state of mind, evidently.)
Basically, my mind interpreted the information as this:
Let's try this out! = SCARY! =
Didn't he realize what I nut-job I am?
This was a bad thought- it lead me to reflecting on part of his valentine,
"I realized that I don’t really know that much about you. I know your favorite color is green (but still not sure what shade.) I know you’re from Ohio…divorced…a good lesson preparer…funny…beautiful…an animal lover…a good writer…adventurous….do you play the organ?...and NOT a Molly Mormon. What is your favorite Movie? TV Show? Food? Song? For instance…have you ever been Rick Rolled? Have you ever tried to write something other than a blog? Do you like Elvis?"
This poor guy doesn't know anything about me! Just a few days prior I was imagining everything about him (I have a lot of down mind time to imagine stuff- like when I'm driving and making lists). Would we still even be friends if he knew
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| both stolen from hyperboleandahalf One of my favorite blogs. |
What if he knew I was like a closet perfectionist and I worry about the tiniest of things? Things can haunt me after the fact for ages- like for my senior project in Nursing school.
But He doesn't know my favorites:
- like a '57 Spyder (there's some irony in that, isn't there)
- I love milky ways but never eat them
- I'm a chocoholic and (if I didn't give it up for Lent) would rid the world of their chocolate problems by eating it all myself.
- I'm not a big fan of movies
- I listen to almost all genres of music
- I love to cook, but almost never do
- I love to be outside and especially by water
- I love to be by water and not in water
- I love to try new things- usually when I have to be pushed out my comfort zone
- I hate excessive PDA (like making out) but still want you to wrap your arm around me, hold my hand, or kiss me on the cheek.
- I love to be old-fashioned (for the most part) and love sappy things like picnics, letting the man drive, etc.
- I love to travel and would love to see the world and experience different cultures and languages
- I love to playfully pick on people but not have them pick on me (per say- some playful banter can be fun)
What if he knew that I've been known to drop everything (like EVERYTHING) when asked a simple favor and can go over-the-top with things?
What if he knew that I can be over-the-top and dramatic to just about everything- if I wanted?
What if he knew that I was keeping him from my parents, for the most part, because I know they wouldn't like him?
What if he knew I didn't tell my best friend I 'got the job' because I'm afraid of living with her?
What if he knew my faith wasn't as strong as his? (I've had more time-like a lifetime)
There was definitely a lot of crap crossing my mind as I was driving my 200 miles yesterday. The more I dwelt on my pain and fear.
I had to pray. As you can surely see, I was losing my mind. I also didn't want to scare off this poor guy (scared yet guy?)
The Lord spoke comfort to my soul- and stopped most of my craziness. I reflected on a few things:
The breakdown of yesterday- probably better from both our perspectives:
KB: We've known each other 43 days (as of yesterday)
PD: Really? Since Jan 6th, right?
KB: 7- that's when you responded back
PD: oh, ok. I was looking at that the other day too (the website that we met on)
KB: More women to date? (at that point, it was an innocent question- they pick three people for you to evaluate per day)
PD: What? I was on there looking up when we first started talking (exactly what I was doing too!). My thing expires in a couple of days, so no more women to check out for me. Why did you ask?
~This is where my mind started having some issues- looking deeper, I thought he was basically saying exclusive- and I hadn't sorted my feelings entirely. I had an idea what they are, but that article from the Date chick really through my mind into a loop
KB: I'm trying not to be complicated while over-analyzing everything. It's hard to explain, by day 40, I knew exactly how I felt about you. That's part of what scared me. I married my ex within 10 days and the end of that was the hardest thing to endure and I don't ever want to think about that happening again. For Lent, I decided to give up 'myself' and to become someone I aspire to be except this past weekend because I had already planned it out.
In 40 days, I quit a job, met the man of my dreams, got a high affluent job that will make me work harder than ever before, and was sued- everything is moving so fast and I don't want to blow it (which is exactly what I'm doing right here).
PD: I'm pretty reasonable, so I'm not going to do anything too crazy (even though I'm pretty sure I know how I feel about you too) ~she's nutz! haha.
He encouraged me to talk, offered strong support, and was open to suggestions for help- isn't he awesome?
So this is the mess I created when I realized that I had not only fallen, but was in love with him. I'll never tell him that- that's a different story. I worried it was infatuation because we had only been talking like 2 weeks (which is why I looked it up)- but we had been talking near constantly for almost 6 weeks. I'm not entirely sure how to end this, but I've never been so thankful to my Heavenly Father for introducing me to someone like him. I ultimately just want him to be happy- and I'm thankful that I get to spend at minimum- a little bit of that time with him.
As for that chick, she stated in her article that she doesn't believe in love at first sight she only believed in lust at first sight. I think I feel sorry for her. I had talked to PD for a few weeks before meeting- but I knew immediately that I had a deep like for him. It wasn't sexually related. He had a wonderful, quiet demeanor, kind eyes (though sickly and tired), and on that Sunday I could feel the Priesthood power he holds. It wasn't lust. He's just a truly lovable guy.
Don't think that you got me girl
Don't think you can tame me and change me
Don't think that it's all because of you
Just because I don't run around
Just because we're forever together
Don't you think of a four letter word to use
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above...but, girl I'm not in love
Don't think that you got it made
Don't think it's so easy to keep me
Never know it could all just fade away
So what if I just don't want anybody else but you
So what if you're all that I ever really wanna do
I know what you're thinking, but that doesn't make it true
Believe me, baby
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
So high above...but, girl I'm not in love
So if my heart just skips a beat
What if I lose a little sleep
Believe me
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right...I'm not in love
I'm not in love, no not at all
What makes you think you made me fall
I slip but no, I'm not in love
What if I just can't sleep at night
I see your face in the starry sky
The way you feel, it makes it right...I'm not in love
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