What a crappy day...

*Maureen- don't read this to Grandpa- I'll write something else too*

Today was just a crappy day.

No way around it.

I went to bed last night thinking of all the aspirations and potential I had for the morning and none of it came true.  I was truly lazy today which is probably why I had such a horrible day.

I'm truly a kid at heart- I planned to wake up for early morning cartoons and catch Sonic at 8 then go back to sleep.  I half-heartedly listened to Sonic as I drifted back to sleep since I went to bed so late following an argument with two separate people.

A half hour later, I got a call (it is Saturday) requiring me to intervene and call a supplier who isn't open on weekends and have someone yell at me because they needed something I couldn't get today or tomorrow.  Sorry.

I laid there for while longer, answered a knock creating more problems involving my apartment complex- I still have a bullet hole unfixed in my window from last month, broken key lock I replaced myself a few months ago, and this seeming odd fee that I owe but they can't tell me why- what a mess.

I can't wait to move which brings me to losing a few of my new apartments I've been looking at- hate that.  My favorite is off the table now.

Not receiving a needed email from work.  I set aside time today since I was admitting new people but there was no information and the office isn't open on Saturdays- so I hope it wasn't dire or expected for me to complete.  Hard to do without information like a name, phone number, and address.

I rely on my hotspot coverage from T-Mobile.  Found out today while trying to sign on that as of today it will cost an additional $15 a month for coverage.  I thought about how on earth I was going to afford healthcare even with my second job much less a cheap internet connection.

My computer has now crashed three times and won't work with my internet other than my hotspot from my phone (glad I have two, but the screen is still cracked on this one- which is $450 and 3 weeks to fix)

I had a fight with my neighbor over her 1 year old's party.  She asked for help, I helped her, then she yelled and was angry with me when I offered to help some more to her mother because her mother learned I helped and supposedly that's rude.

My patient didn't allow me to render care today.  I still get paid, so can't complain for that but it's a 30 mile drive one way to be sent away.

Passed that lottery sign again- which is always depressing if you read my other entry....

I had a dream during the day of an adopted baby of mine.  I had been trying to adopt, got divorced, most people won't ever consider a single mom who isn't loaded or famous, and then decided not to continue after I was REAMED by family, friends, and church members who told me I was the most selfish person they knew because I WANTED to be a single mother.  I figured if I could offer a home to an orphaned child from the slums of Africa- does it matter if I'm a single mom?  Surely I can offer something better than no schooling, dirty water, or lack of food.  I even mentioned that to someone who had criticized me and she told me to give money and receive letters instead- the child would be better off with others like him.  I didn't like that response, but it wasn't an argument I was going to win.

I thought of my one baby and the two that fell through the cracks of the legal system.  If someone tells you they don't want to care for her grandchildren, asks you to keep them, shouldn't be allowed to take them away because she doesn't collect the government checks anymore.

I figured if I won the lottery, I could adopt a child then.

I had all these silly plans to accomplish useful things today.  I did wash some clothes and clean dishes, but I didn't get to clean the house, forgot some important groceries, forgot to order a few more important things online, forgot to pick up glider food, didn't get to sign on to my work site, didn't finish my followup calls, emails, etc. didn't get to update my blog with things from earlier in the week like the 4th of July.  Problems with works, getting off for reunions, scheduling conflicts.

Lastly, I happened to check the BabyWingz giveaway blog that I listed earlier just to find out I won #1 on the 4th of July (which was a hectic as heck day which only had a nice, but stressful ending) which I still checked for but never received the notification for because it went straight to my junk folder.

Currently, I think my step-grandmother is the only one to check my blog (sorry this is so depressing).  I'm so exhausted.  Since I'm currently arguing with about 6 people, I daydreamed about life in Heaven earlier today and wondered if God would allow someone to live in their dreamworld for heaven.

I think I'm just going to sit here in front of the TV, probably cry a little more, and just dream of my baby girl in my arms, and being a single mother to two little African American children.  Earlier today even my son was mad at me for missing one of his baseball games (he's like 9) because I had to work and asking the hard questions about our nation's history (because I'm white and he's black).  I guess today is one of those hard days they talk about in my divorce support group.  Even though I would never trade anything for the experiences I have in support, I still feel alone in my feelings since I'm Mormon- life is just a different perspective from everything else everyone believes which makes it all the harder to accept.  You know- the eternal perspective.

Well, Spencer (my African American son from my dreams) and Emma (my daughter)- your mom is a mess (as I'm sure you've figured out), but it is my prayer that I someday get to meet you.  And Reid (Spencer's middle name and what I planned to call him), I'm sorry that even in my dreams I do stuff I have to apologize for- even as your dream mom- I'm not perfect.