So.... my wonderful plan was to catch up and write down several entries leading up to my life now: my separation, some relationships, my divorce (well, annulment), graduation, moving across the country, two jobs, and well... now.
.... but getting caught up in the Ion Saturday night Psych mini-marathon... and trying to catch a glimpse of the moon through my windows.... I got a lil distracted... :)
My separation from Steven had been soooooo freakin hard. Through all my trials, NONE have been as difficult as rebuilding my life without him. Just when I think that everything is going great... I start to think of him- and I miss him.
Steven wasn't perfect- far from actually. But this isn't about him or what he did or didn't do. It's about how I felt. I miss him. I miss my best friend, my adventure buddy, my companion who was fully and willing to take life by the horns and show it who's boss. We had such fun adventures- Philmont, cross country trips, random up-and-go spontaneous adventures. I have yet to find someone else even REMOTELY close to him. He moved on so easily... I felt stuck because it was taking me so long (there's some added background but that's another story). He was always so eager to find and follow adventures. I enjoyed the company and extra push he gave me to get and try new things.
I think of who I used to be.
One of the most stinging wounds said were, "I never should have married you- you changed from the day we got engaged". I always asked what changed and why he left- but he had been telling me all along. Our story is in the beginning of this blog- this was after all our blog. Our second (or third, I forget) date, we went bungee jumping. It wasn't Steven's idea- it was mine. I had taken it from when I was dating my longest boyfriend-Brian. I was 16, and this boy who I met in a fairytale-like fated mishap, had taught me that life was made for living- don't get buried in all the horrible-ness of the world. There is enough of that- but live and enjoy life, because, well, why would you want to look back and see all the things you could never change? I loved Brian and will always, same with Steven.
It was then that I noticed what happened.
When Brian and I met, I was so skittish. Life had a specific plan, never to deviate from; never to try something 'risky' no matter how risky it truly was or not. I never saw anything happening between this religiously apathetic boy from the Chicago outskirts and this hugely religious, introverted girl from southwest Ohio. Our adventure was magical, but because of crucial differences would never work out. Anyway, I'm deviating... like alot... regardless... Brian taught me to live- not to be afraid of what others think, not to be afraid of failure, to go after what you truly want in life. Hard to believe since he worked a job he hated at Menards and Home Depot for years....
With Steven, it was almost the same thing. When I met Steven, he was still more popular than me- which I thought was amazing since he showed interest in me. Deep down, he was still finding himself and unsure of life and different courses he could take. Because of this, he was so willing to try new things and experience life. It's what I miss most about him. Anyway, Steven was a wonderful companion for the time we spent together. I will always love him- I truly believe that he was my first true love- possibly the cliche- "The one that got away"- thank you Katy Perry.
It's been over a year.
A year since I stood in front of judge and lied that we were both openly dissolving the marriage and that we both agreed it was the best solution. I wanted to cry out so badly, "NOOOOO!!!" and turn to him with tears in my eyes and talk about our good times in dramatic fashion. But. It was Steven. Steven needed this. He is, after all, younger than me, and me, like Brian- was only a learning experience for something that would never work. I still feel 'connected' to Steven somehow. Perhaps I always will feel that way, maybe not.
Regardless, it's been a year. A year of off-again on-again pain. Tears. Anguish, Self-pity. What ifs-which I think are the most dangerous. I painted this beautiful picture of life with us together. Building a modest life, having a miracle baby, adopting a few children. Living our little dreams of writing stories, traveling, owning a home- the American dream. Sometimes it was just easier to bury myself in my dreams of a happy life while merely existing in the painful, lonely, mediocre hell I had pieced together that left me living at the absolute minimal standard of life. Dreams are so easy- you can lie in bed as long as you don't have to eat or pee- and dream and create absolutely anything. I can be supermom, a famous doctor, traveling and learning all cultures. Steven and I, together we were unstoppable and could accomplish everything with each other. It hurt too much to acknowledge the fact that that would never happen again. Our dreams were shattered, lying on the ground, irreparably damaged like humpty dumpty. Chances of us reconciling- especially with me moving 1800 miles away- were bad.
Who wouldn't want to live in a dream?
But I had to wake up. You only get one, very short chance at life and an entire eternity to regret and reflect on it. I'm still working on it. It will be a long time to work through it still, but I'd like to think I'm getting closer to moving on.
Today, while continuing to feel down, I made the horrible decision to open my facebook. Got to see my ex with his new girlfriend. I oddly talked to his picture for a little while. Feels unfair how easily he was able to walk away while I still feel such pain, but I got like a three-way whammy (yeah... still another story that was mentioned in the beginning). I felt a little better, left me with more questions than answers. Finally, I just played around on facebook. Afterall, it had been like a year since I had been on it. I didn't know how to do anything on it- go figure- they changed it like every few months when I was on it.
"Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding"
Proverbs 3:13
I came across my ex sister-in-law. You would think that would hurt more- I saw her beautiful child; smiling, playing, carefree. I saw Katie- glowing, gorgeous with her new haircut. I didn't see any pictures of her husband and didn't think anything about it. I heard the voices in my head of everyone saying how thankful I should be for having my miscarriage of my miracle child because we wouldn't be fighting over custody after we separated. I felt selfish and thought that I would want a child anyway. I shook it off. After some snooping, I thought something was up and came across her blog called 'Unveiled Heart"
I've been thinking about this and digesting it for awhile...the truth that we often are the ones who hold ourselves back from the lives we want to live. I've had my share of hurts and pains just like the next guy, we all do. I don't know that I ever made a conscious assertion that my past had scarred my future, but that is certainly the way I have walked it out in many areas of my life.
What got me thinking about this was something I heard a few months ago from Alcoholics Anonymous (don't worry, I'm not a closet drinker, lol). A friend was sharing one of the prayers of AA's 12 steps, and it asks God to release one from the bondage of self. When I heard that, it hit me between the eyes. It was just such a poignant way to say that no one else is responsible for my life but me. Others may hurt me, may try to control me, may do all kinds of things. But at the end of the day, there's only one person staring back at me in the mirror and there's only one person who's going to walk in my shoes.
I took this to heart and started to take note of my inner thoughts and feelings. Amazingly, I found there were many things I was telling myself I couldn't do. Really silly things. Ridiculous, really. Like that I couldn't eat healthy when going on a trip. And then this kind of hilarious interplay began to happen. I would take note of that inner voice, and then I would laugh at it. For example, going back to eating healthy. It's like I had this idea that I could only eat healthy in certain conditions, like if the stars were aligned just right- like I can only eat healthy in my own home, for example. And when I stopped to analyze the things I had been not-so-consciously telling myself, I began to laugh at how silly it all was. And I got the chance to prove myself wrong when I went on a trip. Instead of getting fast food, I stopped in the gas station and got fruit and a healthy snack. When I did get fast food, I got the healthy tacos from Taco Bell instead of McDonald's. Ha! I did it! It can be done! That goofy old self! Why do I hold myself back so much?
It's funny and it's serious all at the same time. Well I suppose it's mostly serious, but I like to have a sense of humor whenever possible. :) When we stop to think about what we're really telling ourselves, we can be quite ridiculous. I can't blame anyone else that all that time I got McDonald's instead of healthy snacks at the gas station. I'm the one who didn't allow myself to do that. Amazing, eh?
So I think I'm going to try something wild and crazy. I'm going to stop being the one holding myself back. I'm going to work WITH myself, not AGAINST myself. How 'bout it! It's exciting stuff. :)
What got me thinking about this was something I heard a few months ago from Alcoholics Anonymous (don't worry, I'm not a closet drinker, lol). A friend was sharing one of the prayers of AA's 12 steps, and it asks God to release one from the bondage of self. When I heard that, it hit me between the eyes. It was just such a poignant way to say that no one else is responsible for my life but me. Others may hurt me, may try to control me, may do all kinds of things. But at the end of the day, there's only one person staring back at me in the mirror and there's only one person who's going to walk in my shoes.
I took this to heart and started to take note of my inner thoughts and feelings. Amazingly, I found there were many things I was telling myself I couldn't do. Really silly things. Ridiculous, really. Like that I couldn't eat healthy when going on a trip. And then this kind of hilarious interplay began to happen. I would take note of that inner voice, and then I would laugh at it. For example, going back to eating healthy. It's like I had this idea that I could only eat healthy in certain conditions, like if the stars were aligned just right- like I can only eat healthy in my own home, for example. And when I stopped to analyze the things I had been not-so-consciously telling myself, I began to laugh at how silly it all was. And I got the chance to prove myself wrong when I went on a trip. Instead of getting fast food, I stopped in the gas station and got fruit and a healthy snack. When I did get fast food, I got the healthy tacos from Taco Bell instead of McDonald's. Ha! I did it! It can be done! That goofy old self! Why do I hold myself back so much?
It's funny and it's serious all at the same time. Well I suppose it's mostly serious, but I like to have a sense of humor whenever possible. :) When we stop to think about what we're really telling ourselves, we can be quite ridiculous. I can't blame anyone else that all that time I got McDonald's instead of healthy snacks at the gas station. I'm the one who didn't allow myself to do that. Amazing, eh?
So I think I'm going to try something wild and crazy. I'm going to stop being the one holding myself back. I'm going to work WITH myself, not AGAINST myself. How 'bout it! It's exciting stuff. :)
Those who know me well know that I am going through a painful time in my life. I let a dangerous man into my life who broke me down and made me feel like I was nothing. If I am honest with myself, I have felt rather unimportant for most of my life, despite being quite successful, intelligent, and educated. At my very core, I was never whole and felt unlovable. This causes a person to carry a tremendous amount of shame, to make poor relationship choices, and struggle with lots of other things.
As I have been rebuilding my life and healing in the aftermath of a volatile, failed marriage, I have discovered a few things. The first is where my worth lies. I've always placed my worth in all the wrong places- success, others' opinions, my level of righteousness and religion, etc. Folks, you have to go to God's word to discover your worth. Apparently, my worth is found in simply being a child of the King. I am special just because I'm me. Not because of my talents or abilities, even. My worth is found in the fact that I exist. It is so simple! A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when this truth started to sink into my heart. The second discovery I made is that I'm not alone! Those who have been through abusive relationships tend to feel lots of different emotions, but struggle to share them because there is this sense of isolation, like no one else understands. As I share my story with more and more people and more and more people share their stories with me, I see so many parallels between my story and theirs, between my thoughts and feelings and theirs, between my struggles and theirs. And that leads me to my third discovery. As I began to experience this in the many people I've talked to, I realized that we are all so similar. Our stories may have different characters, different timelines, different climactic elements, etc., but we all share a very similar human experience. The human experience draws us together. Our hearts all beat the same way and at our core, we all have the same deep longings inside. We all long to be loved, to feel important, to be successful in whatever it is that excites us, to build meaningful relationships, and more.
I stepped back and pondered these three points and came to a conclusion. The world needs to hear my story. Not because I'm great, but because I am simply the bearer of a greater story. We all struggle with feeling alone and insignificant, lost and confused, searching and not finding, at times. But God has made Himself present in every moment of my life, even when I thought He had abandoned me. And between His gentle guiding and my soul-searching, I have found within myself a mammoth strength that I never knew existed.
So I envisioned this blog as a platform. A place where I could unveil my heart (the title of my blog) and one by one, each of you might say, "Hey, that's me, too!" and we could all realize we're not alone and that we are important. In light of this idea, I invite you to post your comments and feedback both on my posts and others' comments. And hopefully, you will find something here that will inspire you, that will move you, that will change you forever.
As I have been rebuilding my life and healing in the aftermath of a volatile, failed marriage, I have discovered a few things. The first is where my worth lies. I've always placed my worth in all the wrong places- success, others' opinions, my level of righteousness and religion, etc. Folks, you have to go to God's word to discover your worth. Apparently, my worth is found in simply being a child of the King. I am special just because I'm me. Not because of my talents or abilities, even. My worth is found in the fact that I exist. It is so simple! A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when this truth started to sink into my heart. The second discovery I made is that I'm not alone! Those who have been through abusive relationships tend to feel lots of different emotions, but struggle to share them because there is this sense of isolation, like no one else understands. As I share my story with more and more people and more and more people share their stories with me, I see so many parallels between my story and theirs, between my thoughts and feelings and theirs, between my struggles and theirs. And that leads me to my third discovery. As I began to experience this in the many people I've talked to, I realized that we are all so similar. Our stories may have different characters, different timelines, different climactic elements, etc., but we all share a very similar human experience. The human experience draws us together. Our hearts all beat the same way and at our core, we all have the same deep longings inside. We all long to be loved, to feel important, to be successful in whatever it is that excites us, to build meaningful relationships, and more.
I stepped back and pondered these three points and came to a conclusion. The world needs to hear my story. Not because I'm great, but because I am simply the bearer of a greater story. We all struggle with feeling alone and insignificant, lost and confused, searching and not finding, at times. But God has made Himself present in every moment of my life, even when I thought He had abandoned me. And between His gentle guiding and my soul-searching, I have found within myself a mammoth strength that I never knew existed.
So I envisioned this blog as a platform. A place where I could unveil my heart (the title of my blog) and one by one, each of you might say, "Hey, that's me, too!" and we could all realize we're not alone and that we are important. In light of this idea, I invite you to post your comments and feedback both on my posts and others' comments. And hopefully, you will find something here that will inspire you, that will move you, that will change you forever.
Sorry that was really long. But nothing had hit me so strong in a long time. Maybe it's the supermoon talking that I totally missed writing this thing- but it gave me such strength. I don't know why really- Steven never really abused me. At the absolute most, he used me for money, but never laid a hand on me. If anything, I did hit him a few times. The article wasn't even pertaining to me directly, but just the personal strength and emotion behind it. There is truth to her words, and I am guilty of not living for myself. I had changed because I had the jaws of my past and imagination causing me to not live my life. What happened to the girl that love adventures, doing things on my own or not. I didn't require another person to do fun things. I always admired Charlotte for always being able to make friends so quickly and doing so many things on her own. Everything is an adventure. I am standing in my own way. Why? I shouldn't. It is my goal to regain the lost me because she needs to be found. There is so much flying past me and it's time to catch some of it and enjoy it. After reading Katie's blog- I would love to talk to her, support her, hear her thoughts, but since I am divorced from her brother- seems like a bad idea. I think she's really on to something. It's time to live my life for me. :)
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