Was it worth the weight?

Today was supposed to be a good day.

Unexpected, yes, but good nonetheless.

It’s been an awful week prior with stuff going on at school (work), Stacey being in the hospital, and having some fun with crashing a meeting today.

I went suit shopping.  Shopping is fun, right?

It was actually.

I started looking at some gray suits.  In my unmedicated state yesterday, I accidently (well, purposely) agreed to do something for someone that I really don’t want to do.  Since I already agreed to do it, I’m going through with it.  It’s not a terrible thing, don’t get me wrong, but taking time off work just isn’t fun.

So I tried on the gray suit, I liked it pretty well.  It was a size 12 and a bit big- yay!  So I grabbed a 10.  It fit somewhat nicely.  I had some open gaps and stuff.  I held onto it then grabbed another.  I had forgotten that I was at the high affluent mall and within about an hour I was actually set up with a stylist.  I’ve never had a stylist before quite like this, especially at a mall.  She picked some suits, color matches, and stuff.  Anyway, she handed me a suit, pulled the pins for alterations, and said, “I think we’ll try you in an 8 first”.  An 8?  I haven’t been an 8 since before I was sick!  That’s crazy!

So we tried the 8…. and it fit…. Perfectly.  Kinda.  I thought it was a bit tight only around my hips and that was it.  There was space to spare around my waist.  I was so excited!  That’s when I made the mistake of taking a pic and sending it to my mother.\

I usually try to take to Mom on Sunday, when it’s required.  The last few weekends have been busy so I haven’t.  I called her after an incident at school on Monday, but she never returned my call.

Anyway, she texted that she couldn’t read the # on the text (which the text said – with room to spare) and “are you watching Criminal Minds?” which is one of my favorite shows.  It was a combination of me forgetting and realizing that this will be the only free time I have to buy a suit before my fun-not-wanted meeting Friday morning.

I texted her that it was an 8, and she asked how close I was to my goal.  I ended up buying a suit (and it was on sale!) and then calling her.

We talked some about my work and issues I’m having with earning respect (I guess it’ll really just take some time).  I thought back to something someone said to me earlier in the day when they asked if I was searching for a job currently, which I’m not.  We talked about paying my student loan and I realized that after 5 years, I could cash out my 401k with school contributions and pay it entirely off.  Probably not the smartest move with retirements being the way the are nowadays.

What got me was the end of our conversation.  I know this has been a hard year for everyone.  As my sister was recently in the hospital a few times, she decided not to come home for Christmas this year.  As such, Christmas just isn’t going to happen.  She can’t afford it, and I don’t blame her.  It was her idea already to only buy gifts for 1 person per year.  It was the only reason she called me this year was to tell me who I had drawn.  I already had plans to surprise everyone with a little gift, but I guess that won’t happen.  Maybe I’ll mail them, but probably not.

While my conversation with Mom ended, my thoughts didn’t .  I couldn’t help but wonder a few things: 1. Why I wasn’t so surprised or hurt by the announcement.

2. My dangerous thinking of ‘what-ifs’

When was the last time you saw your family?

~ last year- January?  It was last “Christmas”

When was the last time you talked to your Dad?

A couple weeks ago

Your sister?

A few months ago?
Miss them?
Sometimes, but not really.

They're just not a part of my life.

I focused on my what-ifs a bit.  It’s as heartbreaking as it is fun.  I couldn’t help but realize that Sakira would be 7 this year!  Ugh.  I feel so old being old enough to actually have a 7, 6, and 3 year old!  Sakira would be reaching the age that she wants all the grown-up stuff.  She would be bugging Steven and me about getting a cell phone that isn’t ‘Mom’s’.  Keke would be mimicking her older sister in all that does and driving Sakira nuts.  Emma would be grabbing, hiding, and crying because she isn’t old enough to play with the toys her older sisters have.  I could see little presents wrapped around our tree.  I could see Steven reading a Christmas story to them by way of the Christmas lights.  Keke would be sitting on his knee, I would be watching Emma to keep her out of trouble, Sakira would be at his knee resting her head just short to see the pictures comfortably.  I would be so happy that our traditions weren’t ‘so lame’ just yet.  This is way life was supposed to be. 

As my dreams fade, I focus on the tree and my fading memories of what could have been.  The tree that Steven and I had while we were married was my mother’s old tree from childhood.  Before I moved to Dallas, we Mom and me) had trashed it as she had purchased a smaller one.  It was hard to do, but I didn’t have any room for it moving on to my new life.

I think it bothered me that it didn’t bother me as much as it should.  I realized that as my family doesn’t really care about my family or family time and we grew up that way that it just isn’t anything I have or will have any time soon.  I don’t care about family (in general) because my family doesn’t really care either.  It wasn’t until the end as a passing comment that Mom had stated, “oh, well I guess that doesn’t mean you can’t come”.  I thought about my birthday.  Yes, she gave me a gift with my card, but my birthday card read, “Needless to say, Daddy is stressing over the furlough situation.  Glad that scouting activities are keeping him somewhat busy.  We’re still talking about striking at school- can’t see how that can happen with the furlough going on.  Love ya! ~ Mom”.  My email from my Dad just asked me to increase payment on my student loan.  My actual birthday was quiet.  I went to work, got a cupcake by the end of the day.  It was ok. 

I know that I bury myself in work.  I think it is what keeps me sane through the holidays.  That, and watching everyone freaking out while my Christmas celebration was still over a month later.  I don’t have anything to look forward to this year.  Not taking time off for anything.  Heaven knows what I’m actually going to be doing over the holidays.  That’s actually something I miss about working in the acute care field.  Work Thanksgiving? – give me double ‘portions’.  Christmas? -morning and evening please.  This year, I’m hoping to deliver meals over Thanksgiving and I’m lucky enough to work all the way through Christmas Eve.

I’m not all hum-bug now about the holidays.  I’m used to just having holidays after all the mess- when everyone is sane again.  I’ve never just skipped them completely.  The closest two was when Dad left or when the whole holiday was about Stacey’s mission phone call from Ecuador.  I agree that the holidays are about family time, just never been a super joyous time.

Usually, I'm just humbug about all the church activities and how xute the xhildren are- the children I didn't get to hve.