... and around again...

Goodness, I honestly think I live a fairly boring life, but when I reflect back on just the last few days, everything is dramatic and crazy.  I don't like to be dramatic and crazy- seriously I don't (I can already tell you don't believe me, but it's all good- I know why!)

Monday night, I was happy to make it to FHE.  Last week was kinda fun with the fort and everything.  I decided to take Shawn after my busy day for some fun and relaxation.  The lesson was on gossiping (which I was late for) and the activity was somewhat botched by my group.  We were supposed to pick a random name out of a bowl, act like that person sitting around a dining room table with all these other people and guess each other.  I guess we were in too large a group and the table kinda played a 20 question-esque type thing.  I felt sooooo bad- I thought my guy was somebody in the ward- I didn't know who he was!  I guess he was some football player that got in a bunch of trouble for dog fighting- any guesses?  It was Michael Vick.  Another one I got was 'Jon'- very vague- I also thought that was someone in the ward as we weren't given too specific examples.

As I sat there listening to the conversation around me, I saw a girl from last week.  She doesn't seem to participate in many activities.  I thought about going and talking to her, but since I started the activity, I didn't want to just up and leave.  I did get to talk to her at the end.  Someone had also brought snacks!  It was an interesting combination of celery and cupcakes- I know, right?!

Anyhow, when Jocelyn (that girl from the paragraphs above) and I were about to go outside, Ross stopped me and asked if I was leaving- I said no, that we were only going to look at Shawn.  Jocelyn and I went for a ride around the parking lot while her sister videotaped it.  She loved it.  She also said it was her first time on a bike and now knows why people like it so much.

My original plan was to walk out with Jocelyn, go for a ride, grab some piano music, come back inside and play.  That was thwarted as Ross and Jo (Janette-also a girl from last week) came and hung with Jocelyn, her sister, and me by Shawn.  Ross said that he had never seen Shawn up close and gave him a good look over.

So everyone started saying their goodbyes and walking away to leave.  Ross gave me a long and hard hug (in front of everyone) and left with everyone.  I turned the bike on, put on my gear, and was working on my helmet when Ross drove up, rolled down the window, then asked how my day was.  I shut off the bike, took off the helmet, and then sat in the car with him for almost an hour while we just talked.  I know that he made a snide remark in regards to Jocelyn riding the proper way (since Ross was clinging so hard to me that I couldn't see right).  I thought that maybe he was still sorting out his feelings.  Maybe.

Maybe he figured them out.  Aside from my busy, hectic, and stressful day Tuesday.  Ross and I talked on the phone in the evening.  He texted me a few times through the day, but in the evening, he stated that the reason he was skeptical about dating me is because he didn't feel any chemistry between us- that he had felt 'chemistry' before with other girls where all he could do was think about them, want to talk to them, and never wanted to stop talking to them- for hours on end.  He didn't feel that with me and our conversation ended quite abruptly and I didn't hear from him the remainder of the night.

I thought we had done that a few times, the talking part at least, especially toward the beginning since we talked until after midnight, but Ross was always so quick to turn me down or shove off that I started backing way, way off.  Wrong move?  Who knows, but this whole- 'I'm going to act interested then turn you down thing' has got to stop.  My poor emotions.  I know he says he really just wants to be friends, but he knows exactly how I feel about him.  Can you be 'just friends' with a crush?  I don't think I can.  Regardless, I deleted his number and messages from my phone.  I like him too much and it's very crushing that he's not interested in the same way.  I mean, a friend is happy when someone gets together with someone else- a crush looks on and wonders why she wasn't good enough.  I already knew I wasn't good enough, but it's still a hard thing to watch and I don't want to be close to him when that happens.  Wasn't there a religious leader that said something around the lines of 'she has enough friends- she needs a date' or something?  I don't believe that Ross and I can truly be friends at this point.  All because of one Sunday night embrace- I can't believe that's all it took.  Maybe in a few months when emotions die down some.

On to good news, I finally got my business cards!!!  Yay!  They are beautiful- even have my picture on them so people can't forget my face!  I thought about putting it up here- but since it has my phone numbers on it I decided against it- you'll either have to know me or ask for one!  So on to Wednesday, my busiest day!  And yes, sadly, I'm already behind schedule....

Have a great day!